Big Helpers = Bigger Breakdowns

Tonight has been a really insightful night for me. One of those nights where I've had a lot on my mind. I'm watching this TV show called "Private Practice" right now (very medicine-based show), and one of the characters just passed away in a car accident. I started thinking about everyone that I love, and you know that moment where your life has been "too good for too long" and you're just waiting for something bad to happen? I'm there. I've been there for about two weeks now. I'm not saying my life is perfect, - absolutely not; I'm just worried something bad is going to happen to someone I love. (Don't you just love when it's late and your mind just starts wandering to scary places? Me too...not.) Anyway, I hope and pray that my friends and family stay safe and healthy.

Moving on...
As I explained in my last blog, I don't like confrontation. I'm not a debater. I don't like explaining my side of the argument. For that reason, since I've been home, when I'm upset with someone in the house I resort to going to my room and keeping myself busy until I forgot what I'm in my room for. Then I walk out and pretend like nothing ever happened. My mom was explaining to me today that when I was little, I used to get so upset and start screaming and kicking that they couldn't calm me down. When they couldn't calm me down, they'd say, "Jessica, go to your room until you can calm down." ...Sound familiar? Except now that I'm older, I put myself in my room and for that reason, no one is really waiting for me to come out and discuss my feelings; because sometimes they don't know I'm mad, they just think I went to my room. Now that I know this has been a habit since I was young, I'm going to try and fix it, and work out my feelings more.
Speaking of feelings...
Before my ex boyfriend (whom I dated for 3 years), I used to be really good at talking about my feelings, and letting people know what I was thinking. We were an "on-again-off-again" couple, and every time we broke up, I closed up a little bit more. Eventually, there was nothing really left to close up, so I moved onto helping people with their feelings because it was easier to focus on their feelings than to think about mine. And it made me happy to help. He made me so used to focusing on other people and not as much on letting my feelings out...and while that's wrong, I'd still like to take this moment to thank him. Because without all of this taking place, I wouldn't have found what I love to do. I love to help people. And I'm super grateful that I chose the field of Psychology, even if it was a last minute, risky decision. Two months before I went into college, I switched my major from Nursing to Psychology, not quite sure if I would like it. After a year of taking a few courses and meeting new people, and helping new people...I'm so thankful.

Sad blog has a happy ending. Yay :)

Stay Beautiful.

Here we go!

This past year has been a never ending circle of emotions. I'm proud of myself. I've come a long way since last year. Yeah, I mean, in a way I felt I lost a huge part of me, but I feel I was being protected. I didn't deserve it. I deserved better.
During this past year, and probably since 2 years ago, I've continued to lose my trust in people. My way of thinking is that people will consistently disappoint me. There's no point in me having hope in anyone. They need to earn my trust and my faith in them. Otherwise, I could care less. This can be good and bad.
When I got to college, I trusted no one. I had a crappy first year of college. I was depressed. I don't like to admit it, but I wasn't myself. Yeah, I made friends, but not a lot. I had 5 close friends there and that's it. I didn't let anyone else in. Being a Psychology major I know that this wasn't healthy. I would go into my classroom, sit down, stare straight ahead and leave as soon as I could. I didn't talk to people in my classes unless forced to for class projects, etc. I'm not a unhappy, quiet, introverted person though. That wasn't me in college. I don't know what exactly came over me this past year, but I reverted to being secluded my room, and opening up to very few people. I'm optimistic for next year though because I know how I acted wasn't who I really am, and that I could do so much better. I'm ready now :)
Being home for about a month and a half now, I've found myself again. Not completely, but my confidence is coming back at full speed, and I'm just, in general, a happier person since I've been home. Being home isn't completely dandy though; I still fight with my parents and sister, and sometimes I just need to get away. I hate conflict, and prefer to go to my room when angry and listen to music or watch a movie to get my mind off of the argument. I don't like to talk things out. I feel that only my opinion matters and no one else's does, so when an argument arises and mine and someone else's opinions are clashing, I'd rather go to my room and forget it happened. Again, with being a Psychology major, I know that this isn't right, but it's me. It's the way I am. But I'm so persistent with having others talk out their feelings, which is what makes me good at my major. Strange how that all works out.
Since I've been home, I've had a few curve balls thrown my way. I don't get attached anymore. I don't want a relationship unless you can prove to me you're not all the same. Promises are nothing but empty words to me now. First loves suck. More on that, maybe when I feel like it.
For now, I'm tired.

Stay Beautiful<3