You Look Confused

Doubt has a way of sucking you in. Making you think that what you're doing isn't good enough.

That you're not talented enough.

You're not smart enough.

Strong enough.

Pretty enough.

And it's hard to see past all that doubt. But sometimes it starts to swarm your heart and take you under and you start to feel like you can't stand up against it. And then...if you're lucky, and willing, God will open up a door for you. A place for you to just completely let it all out. All your doubts and concerns even if you want to put on a tough face and show to the world that you have everything under control. He places someone in your path that wants you to prove it. Prove that you have it all under control and that you're exactly where you're supposed to be. And in that moment...you'll know.

After not getting the RA position for next school year, I was a little distraught. Instead of wallowing in self pity, I concentrated on my studies and one of my professors saw great potential in me and hired me as his Teaching/Research Assistant for one of his Psychology courses next year! I had a meeting with him last night and he asked me really tough questions. I'm usually the one asking the tough questions to my friends, so now I understand when people get squirmy and uncomfortable because so did I! It's not fun being put on the spot.

But he asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I know that I want to be a Child Life Specialist, but some events that have happened in the past few months have made me doubt myself. I don't know if I'm strong enough emotionally, to handle working with children with life-threatening diseases. And that's exactly what I told him. Normally, if I would have had this conversation with anyone else, they probably would have nodded and asked me a different question or responded with, "Yeah...that's a good point." Something small and meaningless. But this professor wanted me to go deeper. He challenged me. He then said,

"Well. Both of your parents, from what you told me, are in Sales. So what made you want to do stuff in the medical field?"

 Ugh...I have no idea. 

"Think about it," he said.

And it wasn't just a "Well give it some thought and get back to me." It was a "Think about it right now and tell me what you're thinking. I'll sit here and wait."

So I remembered volunteering at the local hospital when I was 14 years old. It was a long time ago, but I remembered that to volunteer you had to pick three floors you wanted to volunteer on. What were my three? Intensive Care Unit, Pediatrics, and Oncology Department. 

"At 14 years old? What in the world made you want to work there?"

And without hesitating, I said, "Those kids know they're sick." 

He urged me to elaborate.

So I said, "Those kids that have cancer, or are in the hospital on the pediatrics floor, or are in the ICU...they know they're sick. They don't just have a common cold or fever. They're sick and they're used to hospitals as awful as that sounds. They're used to doctors and nurses asking them how they're feeling and what they're feeling. All through high school I wanted to be a pediatrician after volunteering at the hospital. It combined everything I loved. Medicine and children. But that's not what I saw myself doing. I didn't want to ask the kid how they're feeling, or what their symptoms are. I want my time with the children to be intentional. I want to be the one sitting next to them while they're getting their chemo, asking how their day was. Asking them what's their favorite thing to do on the playground, or how the grandparents are. I want to know the child for who they are - not what their sickness is. I want to know the child on a personal level, not as patient. Because they get enough of that from the doctors, nurses, and chemo-therapists. What they really need and want during those struggles, is someone to ask them how they're doing for real...in a none medical sense. And that's what a Child Life Specialist could do for them." 

And without talking to him last night, I think I would still be doubting myself about my future career path. But after that...I feel more ready now than ever.

Stay beautiful <3