We are His group

"Okay class. I've placed everyone into a group for an impromptu group project" 

Being 22 years old, I have had the unfortunate pleasure of being apart of many group projects in high school as well as college. But after being in countless group projects, I noticed that what I wanted was not what everyone else wanted in the group. There were too many of us in the group who wanted different things. 


There were the junkies, who just wanted to get by.

"BRO- you just do it. I don't really care how you do it. If you think it looks good, I think it looks good" 

There were the flirts.

"Oh my gosh. Tony. How weird that we're BOTH in group 5 together? It's like fate!" 
No, it's not fate. There's 20 of us in the class, and 4 in each group. Get ahold of yourself Cindy.

There were the jocks.

 

"Let's just huddle up and see what we wanna do here."

*We all think - FINALLY, a leader!*

"But seriously, I have practice tonight and a game tomorrow so I really can't commit to a group project. You guys think you could put my name on the Powerpoint and we'll just call it even? Since, after all, I am the quarterback bringing in all the W's. Am I right?"







There were the nerds who had all the right answers, but they were talking in almost a foreign language with all the big words in their vocabulary  that everyone kind of shut them out.

After naming all of the key players in a school's group project, I realized that life is a group project coordinated by God. But we're all so busy with our own agendas that we forget we're part of a group. 

The junkies  are the nonbelievers. They really don't care as long as they get to go along. As long as you're doing good, they'll go along for the ride.

The flirts are the ones giving Christianity a bad name by choosing a life of impurity. They make excuses for their behavior with porn, premarital sex, and sexual impurities by saying things like "I'm doing everything else right, so what if I slip up and follow the crowd in JUST this area?"

The jocks, are what most of us are - a wanna-be leader. Unfortunately they have a lot of other things on our plate and still can't commit to being the best Christian they can be. Because, after all, they figure they're bringing in the W's in some other more important area of life.

Finally, the nerds are like the one's who are in a deep relationship with Jesus. And that's a great place to be! It's a place that many of us are striving for. But often, the nerds are speaking with such big vocabulary that those who may be new to the idea of Christ don't understand and instead of being able to bring people to Christ, they scare others away. The nerds unable to meet people exactly where they are because they're too busy trying to hoist others up quickly to a level they're not ready for.

But God - He's the group leader; the perfectionist of the group. The one who wants everything to be spotless, pure, and rid of sin. He's got the perfect plan for how to orchestrate the best group project known to man. But not enough people in the group to help. Some of the people He does have in His group aren't fully paying attention. Some have their own agendas and think that as long as God does it, it'll turn out just fine. But this is a group project. One that requires us bring it back to God, the group leader, and see how we can put it all together to make something wonderful. God doesn't want to do this all on His own. He needs His group. We are His group. And until we realize it - this group project isn't going to succeed and run smoothly.

"It's not important who does the planting, or who does the watering. What's important is that God makes the seed grow. The one who plants and the one who waters work together with the same purpose. And both will be rewarded for their own hard work. For we are both God's workers. And you are God's field. You are God's building." - 1 Corinthians 3:7-9 NLT

"These were his instructions to them: "The harvest is great, but the workers are few. So pray to the Lord who is in charge of the harvest; ask him to send more workers into his fields." -Luke 10:2 NLT

Social Media Destroys Relationships

 I think that the best relationships are the ones you don't see projected all over Facebook. We don't need to see you write your boyfriend an "I love you boo boo bear :) <3 <3 xoxo" post to his wall only to have him be the only person to like it. Save that for a text message.

Social media is also the passive way that we go about sending messages to our significant others. I can't say I haven't been guilty of this, because I'm sure I have. But girls who one day tweet about their boyfriend LITERALLY being the best person in the world, and then the next day tweet about "like is it so hard to text me once in a while?" No. That is a conversation you need to have with your boyfriend. Not with your 245 followers, one being him and on the off chance that he actually gets on twitter and sees that (because most boys are too busy for that), I mean, really?

I will be the first person to tell you that having high standards is completely fine. 
I've been out of a relationship (just say it --- single) for the past three years.
Have I been pursued? Have I gone on dates here and there? Absolutely.
But my standards are high, and I don't think that's a bad thing.
But social media has gotten to the point where we pour our heart and soul out on EXACTLY what we want.

GIRLS: I know it's fun to dream about THEE perfect guy. Let's be real, we all do it. But posting things about "I want a guy that...." and then it goes on to say that you want a guy that buys you ice cream in the middle of a rainstorm and kisses you while slow dancing to Luke Bryan is just ridiculous. That's not real life. And your boyfriend isn't going to bring you Taco Bell at 4am because you're hungry. That guy doesn't exist.
What you're doing by posting stuff like that is making the good guys RUN FOR THE HILLS.
Boys don't do this as much, but if I liked a guy and I saw him posting stuff like "I want a girl who is a size zero with 36C boobs, who makes me home cooked meals and drinks beer while watching the Pacers game with me" I would be like FOR REAL? and run. Because those are such specific things and it's asking a lot. That's exactly what you're doing by posting pictures and being like "YES! AMEN!" Guys won't think you'll settle for anything less.
Don't get me wrong - you deserve the best. But before you go post that picture or status about how you want a guy who will apologize after a fight even if you're wrong, play with your hair, surprise you at school with a bouquet of flowers, and will skype you at midnight just to tell you he misses you, THINK about the fact that there may be a guy out there who isn't perfect, who won't do all of these things but instead will keep you laughing and smiling and may just make you realize that all of those things look good on paper but HE is real life. 

Stay beautiful <3

MUST BE THIS TALL TO RIDE

You're at an amusement park and you're so freaking excited that you finally get to ride the roller coaster all of your friends have been raving about. You're in line. The anticipation is absolutely killing you! 

You wait and you wait, hours and hours pass, but adrenaline is pumping through you so fast you don't even notice. When you get to the front of the line after much time and patience, you notice a sign that you hadn't seen all the way in the back of the line. 

MUST BE THIS TALL TO RIDE ROLLER COASTER

NO!!!!!!!! You're exactly one inch too short! There's physically nothing you can do. You can't magically grow an inch in a second. You're distraught. You're angry. You feel like you just wasted your time and you're so sad that you don't know which way to turn except back to where you came from. Home. 

This has been my past three months. I decided to get ahead of the game and I began searching for internships in January. I finally found one in West Palm Beach, Florida. FLORIDA. The sunshine state (just really felt I needed to reiterate that I would be LEAVING Indiana and going to some place warmer). There were several bumps in the road throughout the journey of acquiring this internship and I noticed several moments of miscommunication between me and the organization. The major miscommunication happened exactly 25 hours after I had purchased my plane ticket to fly down over my Spring Break in March and go through drug screens, urine analysis, and fingerprinting before finally being interviewed (which was supposed to be just a formality). I knew that God had a plan and that if I wasn't supposed to go down to Florida, all of this miscommunication would have occurred less than 24 hours before I purchased the ticket; I absolutely would have cancelled my flight otherwise. 

So I ventured down last week to get everything sorted out. I think the worst part about being in Florida for a job interview was that I didn't have a car. Getting from place to place was not fun, walking the Bypass dressed up in a skirt during the heat of the day. The miscommunications continued while in Florida, and I shrugged them off like it wasn't a big deal. I truly felt like I was being called to Florida for the summer and I was going to make this work. And that's when God finally put his hand down on the table and said "Game Over Jess." My interview was cancelled due to an emergency at the organization, and with poor communication, I have yet to be contacted by them again. And I'm not going to chase them. For an unpaid internship that I was making myself available to them for? That I paid $300 in airfare to fly down specifically for them? Yeah. Absolutely not. I believe that was God's way of finally closing the door. And you know what it felt like? Not being tall enough to ride the roller coaster you'd been waiting for hours to ride. 

Am I bitter about the situation? Of course. I think that's acceptable at this point. It's only been a week since it all happened. The one thing that has been hardest for me to shake is the feeling that my thorough planning well in advance (January) has been for nothing. Those three months were absolutely wasted. I was trying to avoid scrambling at the end of the semester to find an internship or job, and here I am in March, with six weeks left of school. I'm almost out of time and I'm back at square one against my will.
So where am I headed to now you ask? Well. Like I said earlier in my analogy, when you've wasted all your time and you're so sad that you don't know which way to turn except back to where you came from. So I'm headed back home. And maybe that's okay. Maybe that's where I need to be this summer. 

God's a mysterious guy. He's got so much up His sleeve. I just wish He'd show me a glimpse of what He's got in store for me once in a while. But what fun would that be? I'm trying to remember to be thankful for the things He has shown me already. Yesterday, one of my professors was walking out of his office with his family. His little eight month old daughter I know from the nursery on Sundays. I was so excited to see her! She smiled at me and blew me a kiss and my professor goes, "Jeez Jess, I think she remembers you." And as they walked away, I couldn't stop smiling. And then I realized - that's why I'm doing this. One thing that God has shown me is my undeniable passion for children. Right now, I just have to keep remembering that and trusting in His timing. 

Stay Beautiful <3 

An Even Better Plan

Valentine's Day. I barely noticed the holiday this year. Not because I'm one of those people who passionately hates the holiday and would rather watch the world burn than celebrate it alone; but because I was genuinely happy with my life and didn't feel as if I needed a significant other to make that day worth it. Valentine's Day landed on a Friday this year, so I went out for ice cream with my friends and it was great! No wallowing in self-pity and wanting, waiting, and wishing. I had a great night full of laughter and friendship.

I remembered today that I had wrote a blog on Valentine's Day last year and I felt it necessary to go back and give it another read (click here if you haven't read before). As I was reading it I was thoroughly impressed with how far I've come. I was dealing with a lot of issues last year and things that I needed to get under control before I let someone else into my life. This year, I still struggle, but not nearly as much as I did before and I can only thank God for that. 

Last year, I was also struggling with not being ready; perhaps because I needed to be alone in order to tackle the opportunities God was calling me to. And I believe, after looking back, that that was a big reason for my seasons of singleness this past year. There is no way that I could have handled having a boyfriend last semester; with volunteering twice a week at Lutheran Children's Hospital in Fort Wayne for four hours every Monday and Wednesday with an hour drive there and back, on top of a 10 hour a week job, and a full class load... I barely made it out of last semester alive! This semester, there's still so much I'm doing. I volunteer every Wednesday night and Sunday morning in the nursery at my church. Which is exactly where I need to be twice a week in order to stay sane; loving on the babies, teaching them how to crawl and walk is something I could do everyday for free and be completely happy. I think that's how God establishes our passions. If it's something you could be 100% happy doing for FREE, you know you're in the right field. I don't need anything in return when I'm with children and babies. 

It also dawned on me today that I will be graduating college in ten months. Ten very short, fast months if it continues at the pace it's been going. In these three years at college, I haven't had a single serious relationship. I've "dated" once or twice but nothing significant. When I pictured what my college years would look like when I was in high school this is not how I saw it. I had a plan (let's laugh about that together). I also had this idea in my head that I would be married by 22. That's in 7 months...so unless someone super extraordinary sweeps me off my feet, I gotta let that dream go, unfortunately. 

If there's anything I've learned while being away from home, in college, and while building a deeper relationship with Christ, it's that life never goes the way you expected it to. But the crazy thing is, that the way you expected and wished for - isn't your best. Isn't that crazy?

What I believed to be ideal for me -- dating someone all through college, getting married my last semester, having babies and living happily ever after -- that's not my best. And that's definitely been a struggle for me to accept. The fact that there's an even better plan that I may not even be aware of yet, has me in complete awe of God's blueprint for my life. 

He is faithful. And my verse that I've been holding onto this past week has been: 

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." - Exodus 14:14

I also discovered this song this week, and highly recommend it. Pieces - Meredith Andrews
"Rest in who He is. He knows how to make your pieces fit." 

Stay beautiful.
Because God has an amazing plan for your life, if you let Him take the lead. 

Dear Mom

Tonight,  I had a super humbling experience.

In my town, school, life - I'm known as the baby whisperer. Any baby, anywhere, anytime, I can calm down. with EASE.

Most days, I take this little gift for granted. When I see a baby crying, I almost take it as a competition for myself to see how quickly I can calm him/her down. But today...today, there was absolutely nothing I could do.

It was a regular night at the nursery. Me and the baby were having a fabulous time playing with blocks, laughing and smiling and learning how to walk. Then, all of a sudden, she started wailing. Screaming at the top of her lungs and just bawling her eyes out. So I picked her up and started to hop her up and down as I walked because this is usually a method that works pretty well. Nothing. So I grabbed her pacifier. Nothing. She was screaming so loudly that it was hurting my ears. I was feeling defeated. We texted her mom and her mom came in and as I handed the squealing baby over, she immediately rested her head on her mom's shoulder and started quieting down. 

And it dawned on me. 

Sometimes you just need your momma.

I may be a baby whisperer and have a huge passion for children, but there's some things that only your momma can help with.

I've found myself in these positions lately even as a 21 year old. So many times this semester already, have I had to call my mom and she's said just the right things that no one else could have said. Or if they did, they wouldn't have meant as much. Her love, guidance, support, and encouragement for me is constant. She is my constant and my best friend and I'm so glad that God blessed me with her to be my mom. 

"She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of the household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."" - Proverbs 31:26-29

Love you mom! 

Simplify

I have a lot of stuff.

My closet is so big that at home I have to take up an entire closet in the office to fit all of my extra clothes. I have a "winter" and a "summer" wardrobe which takes up my entire closet each season.
I have 20 scarves, numerous amounts of shoes and jeans, and too many t-shirts to count.

I have a lot of stuff.

When I'm happy and am headed out for a fun date, what do I want to do before? I want to go buy a new outfit.

I have a lot of stuff.

When I lose a few pounds, what do I want to do to celebrate? I want to go buy a new outfit.

I have a lot of stuff.

Why though? Why all of this stuff? What is this going to do for me when my life ends? If I were to die tomorrow what would people say about me? "She sure left behind a lot of STUFF." That's what they'd say.

It's been said to me before that girls dress for girls. And this could NOT be more true! I can wrestle myself to death with what I'm going to wear out to a date, and in the end...if he's a gentleman and a really good guy, the guy I should be looking for to marry, he's going to like ME.

He's not going to care about the tight strapless bra I'm wearing to hide underneath my tank top that shows underneath my cardigan. He's not going to care about my uncomfortable shoes I'm wearing because it was the only thing that matched the stripes in my sweater. He's not going to care about the fact that I had to change out of my comfy jeans because they had a tiny rip at the bottom and put on my skin-tight, super uncomfortable jeans. He's not going to care, and neither should you.

I think everyone gets so focused with what people will think about them if they wear this or that, and honestly, people see you and then forget about you once you walk away. I can't tell you what half the people I passed today were wearing. But probably 75% of them REALLY stressed out this morning trying to figure out what to wear for church.

Dress for YOU. Instead of worrying about your outward appearance, we need to clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Because in the end, THESE are what matter. These are things that people remember.

Were you compassionate towards them when they needed a shoulder to cry on?
Were you kind and smiled whenever you saw them in the hall?
Were you humble?
Were you gentle with the words you chose in stressful times?
Were you patient when they needed someone to just listen?

Or were you too busy focusing on yourself? Too busy focusing on if they're noticing the rip in your belt, or the small mustard stain on your chest? I know I've  been guilty of this far too many times.

These are the things that Jesus asks of us. I read a book recently where a man talked about making lots of money and how he lived in a such a beautiful big house and one day decided that he and his wife and two kids could live comfortably in a smaller house.  They could then use the extra money they made to donate to those who couldn't afford such an easy lifestyle. And I thought to myself, if God ever called me to give up the things of this earth and follow him...would I be able to do that?

So I've started to make a change. I do like my stuff, but I want to be clothed with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience instead. So I gave away half of my scarves. I threw away the clothes I didn't need. I tossed the t-shirts that weren't necessary. And I've officially been on a shopping fast for the last month.

I don't NEED new clothes.
I WANT new clothes.
But I WANT Jesus more.

Stay beautiful <3

"Jesus answered, "if you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in Heaven. Then come, follow me." - Matthew 19:21

Yours Ways Are Greater, God.

This weekend, my family will officially be moving into our new home. It's overwhelming, honestly. I've called this home my "home" since I was 3 years old. Forever, basically. It's bittersweet because I know this is what is best for us.
After a lot of prayer and guidance, everything- from selling our house, to buying our new house just fell into place really smoothly.
Am I sad? A little bit. I definitely cried when I left home to come to college this year because I knew it was the last time I'd be leaving "home." It'll definitely be weird to come home during breaks to a place that isn't technically my "home." But I know, after some time, it'll feel normal again. And I'm 21 years old...Hopefully in the next 5 years I'll have my own home.

One thing that I think I'm coming to terms with is the fact that I don't control my life. God does. And that, if you know me, has taken A LOT for me to be able to do. To sit back when things don't exactly go my way, and say "Not my ways, but Yours." It's really been difficult, but in that I have been able to find peace.
Just the THOUGHT of giving my life over to God completely made me extremely anxious. Even sometimes nauseous. I would give Him a little piece of my life as if He was a baby that I was trying to feed grown-up food to and saying "Here, chew on this for a little bit and then you can have more when I say so." 
When I was only giving him little parts of myself, it was hurting Him and I both. He wanted ALL of me, and I was uncomfortable only giving him little pieces. The peace that I get now when I realize that He is in control is indescribable. There's an overwhelming sense of hope that I get when things don't go as I had originally planned. Because the first thing I think of is, "If THIS wasn't what He wanted...I can't even fathom what He's going to give me instead because I KNOW and I TRUST that it's going to be better than what I had wanted at that particular moment."

Something I know a lot of high school and college students struggle with is giving God control over their relationships. I have struggled with that too (and sometimes still do). For the longest time, I was dating a guy who wasn't right for me in any way, shape, or form. But I wanted him SO bad. I wanted us to work. And the kind of emotional attachment I had with him was something I thought no one could live up to. And it's taken me some time, but I'm now seeing that even when you think you have it all figured out and it doesn't work in your favor, God's going to trump whatever you thought was perfect and give you something even better.
So basically, I think my overall goal of this post was to encourage you. If things aren't going your way, or if you're feeling overwhelmed by school, work, or relationships. Be content. Because God's plan for your life is amazing. And if you're completely happy with your life right now. Revel in that. But remember that if things turn south soon...it's only going to become BETTER than what your originally had. I've quoted this verse in another blog post before, but it still reigns true in this instance as well.

""For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. "As the Heavens are higher than the Earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts."" - Isaiah 55:8

http://youtu.be/TAPpunj-dMM
Be Still - Bethel Music

"Stop thinking so much
and just let go

Be still my soul and rest
Humbly I confess,
in my weakness your strength is perfect

For You alone are God, there will be no other
And You have won my heart more than any other
So I will give it all 'cause you gave it all for me"

No Need To Fix What God Has Already Put His Paintbrush On

Self-esteem is something that is really focused on in psychology. Self-esteem is the overall emotion that one feels about one's self-worth. Most people when talking about self-esteem usually connect the words "high self-esteem" for people who are really confident, and "low self-esteem" for people who don't value their self-worth. But I think there's more to the eye than just high and low self-esteem.

For teenage girls, self-esteem can be a daily, or even hourly, struggle. One day you could walk out the door with your hair looking fly, your underroos matching, and your favorite pair of shorts on to make you feel extra fresh. And then you walk into the school, or mall, or restaurant and your self-esteem either increases or decreases depending on the others around you. No one even has to say anything to you.
But if everyone else is looking extra cute around you and you feel like you just rolled out of bed, self-esteem DOWN. 
If you walk into Walmart at half past 1 AM, self-esteem UP. 

And don't even get me started if people make a comment to you.
"What time did you get up today?"
(Oh my gosh, why are they asking that? Is it because I didn't put eyeliner on? Did I forget to brush my hair? Why do they think I just rolled out of bed? I actually spent an hour getting ready this morning.) 
It could be for no reason at all. They're just making conversation. But we immediately think it has to do with our appearance or that they're judging us on some level.

One thing that I've noticed about our generation is that it's so easy to complain about our life or how things aren't going the way we planned, over Facebook or Twitter. Posting pictures of ourselves saying "I look so ugly today" or tweets that say "I might as well give up because I seriously can't find a boyfriend" 

These are not positive messages. These are not going to help you find someone. Until you find self-worth in yourself, no one else is going to either. They need to see YOU loving YOU before they decide they want to as well.

Have you ever met someone that is ridiculously confident (but in a non-cocky way) and you think to yourself, "Wow, she is just glowing with confidence. She knows what she wants and she goes for it." That's the kind of person we should strive for. Confidence is radiant. It literally sets you apart from others. It puts a smile on others faces when they see a confident person doing what she wants and loving life.
Now how about when you see the girl that constantly puts herself out on Twitter as the girl who can't eat anything because she's obviously "too fat" or always talks about how she wishes the boys would notice her.
What comes to mind when you see those posts? "Aw." 
"Aw." in a really sad puppy kind of "aw." It's sad. Until we start to value who WE are, no one else will.

It's okay to have a day where you're just not feeling life. To just sit in your jammies all day and eat ice cream straight out of the carton. It's okay to just sprawl out on the couch and watch as many episodes of Jersey Shore as humanly possible because it makes you feel better about your life. THAT'S OKAY. Just don't constantly put it on social media about how bad your life is. People follow you on Twitter or Facebook because they appreciate you. They like you. They value your life enough to want to hear about it on a daily basis in 140 characters on Twitter. So make it worth their while.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." - Psalm 139:14

STAY Beautiful <3

iLove. iPray. iServe.

Back from week two at Michiana Christian Service Camp. This past week was a much different experience than what week one was like for me. I was confident. I knew that I could lead these kids, God willing. I was excited for what God was going to let me teach these kids!

Little did I know...that He would be teaching me more than I was teaching them.

This summer, almost all of my friends are either out of town living life, or are too busy. Which is perfectly fine, and totally normal for college kids. But most of my summer is being spent at home. Besides the two weeks I got to spend at Michiana.

So God has constantly been teaching me that I can do my life by myself. I can go to Walmart by myself, and nobody is going to be judging me that I'm alone. You know why? Because everyone at Walmart is not worried about everyone else. They're worried about where they can find the hair brush they bought two years ago and are wondering if it's still there.

On a different but completely related note, I truly think that before you can find a significant other, you need to be able to hold your own, being single, for quite some time. Because until you're comfortable being alone with yourself, you're never going to be able to be comfortable with yourself with someone else. That just takes it to a whole new level.

So this summer, I've been alone at home. Working, which I am now realizing that if I had all of my friends home like I have in the past, I wouldn't be working as much as I am. I wouldn't be willing to pick up people's shifts. Which is awesome that this is all happening like this because I really need money this summer to save up for the following school year.

God is SO good. 

So I realized all of this at camp this past week. Awesome. 

I also realized that my lack of physical touch towards people is extreme.
I'm not a very open person. I've crossed my arms ever since I can remember. And my family has tried to break me of this. But I don't cross my arms because I'm upset or being rude. I cross them because I'm comfortable.
And because it's a way for me to be closed off, and that,
hopefully, if I'm lucky, no one will approach me for a hug.

I was made fun of so much by my fellow faculty members because I cannot stand being hugged.
And at first, I was really upset that they were all going out of their way to hug me. Because I felt like since I told them, then they would stop. But they took it as an opportunity. An opportunity to help me see that nothing is wrong with hugs. And that sometimes, we need it. 


So I was discussing all of this with my dad yesterday morning. And he came up with a brilliant idea.
He told me,

"Jessica. Why don't you just imagine everyone as babies? When you hold a baby, you become a new person. Your face lights up, and there's nothing in this world that could tear you away from that baby. If the baby spits up on you, you're still smiling because you know that that baby can't help it. If the baby smiles, you smile even bigger. If the baby laughs, you laugh. There's something about a baby's innocence, that if you could just see that in other people, it would help you to relax, and be a more open and accepting individual."



Uh hello...Jesus. This is totally and completely what I needed to hear after coming back from camp. Because my dad is so right. I will go to the ends of the Earth to hold a child if that's what it takes. At camp, there was a baby that did not like to be held by anyone other than mom or dad, but you betcha I took every opportunity I could to try and bond with that baby even if he was kicking in screaming.
Why can't I show that kind of love to teenagers and adults? 



I also drove 45 minutes yesterday after coming home from camp to go see a newborn baby, 5 pounds of pure adorableness, and I've never been more awake and excited as I was then. I was so happy to be holding that baby and could have probably sat there with her for hours. Why can't I sit down with teens or adults and have that same kind of love, compassion, and alertness with them? 






I have never had such a powerful week, of seeing and hearing God consistently throughout my life. He is opening up doors for me that I never thought would open, and is constantly showing me his grace and mercy.

Stay Beautiful <3

Right Down The Middle

This past weekend I had the privilege of spending two days with my three best friends from college! This summer, with all of our crazy schedules with work, family, and distance - there was only one weekend that worked out for the four of us. Right smack in the middle of summer break. June 29-July 1. I probably won't see them again until September, but I'm so glad I got to see them even if it was for only two days. I cannot wait to live with Lacey (See top picture) this next semester. She is so fantastic, and we have the same way of handling conflict so hopefully this next school year will actually be a good one for me roommate-wise. Alex and Amanda will also be just a few doors down from mine and Lacey's room next year so that's very exciting as well :)

This trip was a mother to figure out. First, Lacey had to drive 1.5 hours to Amanda's house. Then her and Amanda drove 2.5 hours to my house. Then we had to wait for my sister's graduation party to end, and then we went 1.5 more hours to Alex's house. This was not an easy trip to figure out. That's for sure. But one of the main reasons we chose to meet at Alex's house was because Lacey had NEVER been to Chicago before. WHAT? Not okay. So we went to Chicago on the 30th and had a blast. We went to the bean to take typical bean pictures, and then to Giordano's for Lacey's first experience at Jesus' favorite restaurant. Which she loved. Obviously. And then we went shopping for a bit.

After shopping we went to Navy Pier. Now, I don't personally understand the fascination with Navy Pier. Like, you get to be near the lake, but I guess that's not a big deal for me since I live 10 minutes from a beach. But Navy Pier is basically a place where you spend way too much money to do touristy things, that don't really matter. In my opinion. Like the ferris wheel. Yeah...it's super pretty but it's $13 per person to wait in line for probably an hour and a half based on the line we saw, and a 3 minute ferris wheel ride... that does not seem worth it to me at all. I don't care if you've never seen Chicago before. You don't need to waste your money on the ferris wheel. Ridiculous.

I was so blessed to be able to spend this time with them this weekend. But with camp, and this past weekend, and now with the second week of camp coming up again this Saturday, I feel like I've been living out of a suitcase the past month. and I HATE that. If you know anything about me, you know that my room is normally in perfect condition, everything is clean and everything has it's place. Well when you're living out of a suitcase guess what doesn't have a place? EVERYTHING. Ugh, it gives me so much anxiety. But I'll get over it I'm sure.

Stay Beautiful <3

Let Go and Let God

Michiana Christian Service Camp this year was a much different experience than any other time I had gone in the past.
This year, I was faculty. I was a camp counselor. I wasn't a camper this year, I was a leader. And it was one of the most nerve-racking experiences I've had in a while.  I was a 20 year old who looked like a 15 year old. Therefore, the campers didn't exactly respect me much the first day. Which is totally understandable. They didn't realize that I was going into my third year of college, and that if they allowed me, I could help them with a lot of stuff based on my past experiences.

The theme of the week was "Our Story" and for the first night the campers were instructed to draw on a small quilt square, things that defined them. Sports, family, friends, hobbies, etc. 

One thing that I noticed a lot of campers had drawn were broken hearts or the words "Broken" on their quilt squares. They may have only drawn 4 or 5 things on this small quilt square, but they had made sure to draw that broken heart. 

And for these kids, a break-up was what defined them. It made me remember my time in high school where I had had my heart broken and it made me think about how much I felt that that had defined who I was. A messy break-up was who you were and there was no escaping it. I had so many opportunities this week to talk with campers who were broken. And it was amazing for me to see God work in their lives this week and transform their hearts.
I can only hope they carried what they learned this week at camp back into their daily lives. 

Something that I learned this week was through a Divine Intervention. I can't imagine how my week would have gone if this hadn't occurred. I started my week on Saturday with a Faculty Training session. The campers weren't arriving until Sunday night, and on Saturday, I felt like a child. Faculty that had been doing this for years knew that I was a newbie, and wanted nothing more than to help me find my way. I was super resistant of their help all Saturday night. Someone would hug me and I would clamp up. Someone would start explaining something that "they learned their first year" and I would zone out. I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to learn things on my own without anyone's help.

After Faculty Training was over, I got in the car with one of my friends and he asked me how I was feeling so far. I knew I could be honest with him so I let him know.

I said "I feel like everyone is babying me. I feel like everyone wants to hold my hand and walk me through this, and they don't understand that I got this. I can do it by myself. I know what I'm doing. I can..." 

And before I could finish, he interrupted me and said,

"You are WAY too independent." 

I stared at him in disbelief, because I thought I could be vulnerable around him and tell him how I was really feeling. He repeated himself after I didn't say anything and just stared.

"You are way too independent. Don't you realize that this is your FIRST WEEK as faculty, and people are trying to help you find your way. You don't know everything. And you can't be independent on a faculty team. We're a team." 

I was sooo mad at him for saying that. But later throughout the week, I started seeking faculty members who knew what they were doing and asking them for help and guidance. If my friend hadn't said that to me, I honestly don't think that I would have had a very good experience at camp. 

And to end on a good note, one of my favorite things about camp was waking up and spending my coffee time with Jesus 

(And Lord knows I needed that coffee time everyday; I was absolutely exhausted).

Worshiping, reading the Bible, or even just talking with friends. I had one of the best weeks I've had in a while, and it was all because He was at the center of it.

I can't wait to do it all over again in 2 weeks! 

Stay Beautiful! <3 

Face-To-Facebook

Okay. We've all been there.

Wake up. Scroll through Facebook. Find absurd thing that So-and-so posted. Screenshot. Send via text to friend with the caption "I'm sorry...WTF?" 

Today was graduation for my little sister. One thing that I noticed while I was there was that I "knew" a lot of the people graduating. No, not personally have I ever had a face to face conversation with them, but perhaps they saw me in a Musical when I was in High School or just knew of me because of my sister. Either way, these people added me on Facebook and now I know a lot about them just by scrolling through my newsfeed everyday. Which is weird.

Do you remember when we were little and the Internet was yet to be a thing? If you wanted to get to know me, you had to talk to me. You had to physically make your way up to me and say "Hey, I'm friends with your sister, my name is Sarah." Or if you found me attractive, instead of just "liking" all of my pictures without ever having a single conversation with me, you'd have to build up the courage to walk up to me and say "Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I think you're really pretty." 

OH, HOW I WISH THAT WAS STILL A THING. I wish boys had to come up and talk to me rather than stalk my Facebook to figure out who I am. Facebook doesn't do me justice. I'm a lot more than a person who has witty statuses now and then.

Another thing with Facebook is that I know every relationship you've been in. Ever. Even that one week relationship you thought was going to last but didn't. I know about it because it showed up on my newsfeed. Facebook is supposed to make us "more connected" with others from our past and present. But you know what it does?

It does succeed at making me "more connected" in the sense that I do know every little thing about you from what you wore yesterday based off your picture, to what you had for breakfast this morning based off your most recent status OOGLING over how good your pancakes were.

But what it doesn't do, is make me want to talk to you in public. Today at graduation, I passed a lot of past classmates. And I had zero desire to go and speak with them. Not because I didn't care, but because my conversations would almost be creepy because I'd constantly already know all of the answers to my questions.

"How is your summer?" 
(ahh shoot, just kidding, I read last week that you got a summer internship so you'll be heading up to Michigan this coming Tuesday)
"How's the family?" 
(just kidding, I know that your grandma had surgery last week and that your dad lost his job) 
"How's school?" 
(Yeaaaah, I know you got a 3.5 GPA this past semester and you're really looking forward to next year) 

I love Facebook because it does keep me connected and up-to-date on what people are doing. In person though, we almost seem disconnected and out of touch with reality. How do we fix this?

Something to think about I guess.

Stay Beautiful <3

There's No Formula

I'm extra organized and routine-oriented.

I'm a feeler, and when I feel that I need to say or do something it comes from the way I feel, not logic.

I'm controlling of situations. 

All of these qualities are my strengths and my weaknesses. I'm starting to realize that these are big reasons why I've yet to be in a relationship since 2011.

Being extra organized and routine-oriented, makes me independent. I don't like the idea of having someone do something nice for me. Because that means that I need them. But I remember several years ago when I was in a relationship, and I really did like the nice things that my significant other would do for me. It showed that he cared.


Being a feeler is also a weakness for putting myself into a relationship because I go strictly on gut-instincts. If I don't "feel" like I should date you, I won't. And since I'm so focused on being independent, I won't date you.

My controlling personality follows closely behind those with always feeling that 
whatever the guy is trying to say, do, convey - I could do it better.

I know I'm not the only one facing these struggles. You may not have all three of these weaknesses hindering your dating life, but you may have one and a few of your own. It helps to talk it out and then breathe and relax. And then realize....

You know when people fall in love (based on what I've seen in movies and whatnot of course)? When you start doing something you love and stop worrying about if someone's watching as you walk.
Or if they notice that you have a pimple directly under your nose.
Or if they can tell you woke up late and had to rush out of the house without putting on chapstick so now your lips definitely look outrageous.

They fall in love once they let everything go. So as you're running out of your house with the same shirt you fell asleep in, know that if you're supposed to meet Mr. or Mrs. Right that day...it's gonna work out regardless. So Breathe. Relax. And Realize.

Stay Beautiful <3

Man In the Mirror

Early this morning, a tragedy struck Marion, Indiana. A 14 year-old girl committed suicide at her middle school during a break from ISTEP testing. If I were to look into any other career besides Child Life, it would be Grief Counseling. Naturally, not knowing much about it - I surfed the internet frantically looking for more information about this poor, beautiful girl. I couldn't find much, except for some threads of parents bashing the school administration for not having a handle on the school's bullying policy.

I think that the teachers do play a part in helping to stop bullying among children but I truly feel that it is more the responsibility of the parents above anyone else. Parents should be talking to their kids about bullying and the effects that can come from it. The popular nursery rhyme that all of us have heard growing up 

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," 

tells children that physical violence hurts others but words have no effect. I don't know what genius came up with this rhyme, but they were wrong. Words can destroy my self-esteem and self-worth more than anything. You can blame that on the fact that I'm a girl and girls can be extra sensitive to "mere name-calling," but I guarantee that there are plenty of boys too that are deeply burdened by hurtful words.

The things you say make a lasting impression on others. Be careful what you say, because something that you may not have thought was significant, could destroy someone mentally. And before you know it, that person could be gone. Maybe not by suicide, but some other form of tragedy.

And regardless if that tragedy happens to be suicide or not, you're going to think about how you made an impact on that person's life. You're going to think about the last thing you said to that person. Was it kind, thoughtful words? Or did you unintentionally cause them pain? The stop to bullying begins with you. As Michael Jackson says, 

"I'm starting with the man in the mirror. I'm asking him to change his ways. And no message could have been any clearer, because if you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and then make a change." 

Taking the extra time to tell someone they look pretty, that their artwork you've seen them doodling in the margins of their class notes are really excellent, that their strength is inspiring, that they're loved... could save a life. 

It starts with you.

I also highly recommend you to watch this video. Yes, it's a little long but it made a lasting impression on me to the point where I've had this bookmarked on my computer for the past 5 months. I've only ever bookmarked 4 other websites. So you know it's worth the watch!

Click Here for the video!

Stay Beautiful <3 

You Look Confused

Doubt has a way of sucking you in. Making you think that what you're doing isn't good enough.

That you're not talented enough.

You're not smart enough.

Strong enough.

Pretty enough.

And it's hard to see past all that doubt. But sometimes it starts to swarm your heart and take you under and you start to feel like you can't stand up against it. And then...if you're lucky, and willing, God will open up a door for you. A place for you to just completely let it all out. All your doubts and concerns even if you want to put on a tough face and show to the world that you have everything under control. He places someone in your path that wants you to prove it. Prove that you have it all under control and that you're exactly where you're supposed to be. And in that moment...you'll know.

After not getting the RA position for next school year, I was a little distraught. Instead of wallowing in self pity, I concentrated on my studies and one of my professors saw great potential in me and hired me as his Teaching/Research Assistant for one of his Psychology courses next year! I had a meeting with him last night and he asked me really tough questions. I'm usually the one asking the tough questions to my friends, so now I understand when people get squirmy and uncomfortable because so did I! It's not fun being put on the spot.

But he asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I know that I want to be a Child Life Specialist, but some events that have happened in the past few months have made me doubt myself. I don't know if I'm strong enough emotionally, to handle working with children with life-threatening diseases. And that's exactly what I told him. Normally, if I would have had this conversation with anyone else, they probably would have nodded and asked me a different question or responded with, "Yeah...that's a good point." Something small and meaningless. But this professor wanted me to go deeper. He challenged me. He then said,

"Well. Both of your parents, from what you told me, are in Sales. So what made you want to do stuff in the medical field?"

 Ugh...I have no idea. 

"Think about it," he said.

And it wasn't just a "Well give it some thought and get back to me." It was a "Think about it right now and tell me what you're thinking. I'll sit here and wait."

So I remembered volunteering at the local hospital when I was 14 years old. It was a long time ago, but I remembered that to volunteer you had to pick three floors you wanted to volunteer on. What were my three? Intensive Care Unit, Pediatrics, and Oncology Department. 

"At 14 years old? What in the world made you want to work there?"

And without hesitating, I said, "Those kids know they're sick." 

He urged me to elaborate.

So I said, "Those kids that have cancer, or are in the hospital on the pediatrics floor, or are in the ICU...they know they're sick. They don't just have a common cold or fever. They're sick and they're used to hospitals as awful as that sounds. They're used to doctors and nurses asking them how they're feeling and what they're feeling. All through high school I wanted to be a pediatrician after volunteering at the hospital. It combined everything I loved. Medicine and children. But that's not what I saw myself doing. I didn't want to ask the kid how they're feeling, or what their symptoms are. I want my time with the children to be intentional. I want to be the one sitting next to them while they're getting their chemo, asking how their day was. Asking them what's their favorite thing to do on the playground, or how the grandparents are. I want to know the child for who they are - not what their sickness is. I want to know the child on a personal level, not as patient. Because they get enough of that from the doctors, nurses, and chemo-therapists. What they really need and want during those struggles, is someone to ask them how they're doing for real...in a none medical sense. And that's what a Child Life Specialist could do for them." 

And without talking to him last night, I think I would still be doubting myself about my future career path. But after that...I feel more ready now than ever.

Stay beautiful <3

Easier Said Than Done

So in my last post, I told you guys to stay tuned because today is February 21st. The day I had been anticipating for the past month. Today was the day I would find out what the world had planned for me for next school year. Would I be accepted into the RA program? The answer is no. Unfortunately. Because that's what the world has planned for me. And God has something very different planned for next year. And I said that in the last post "I knew that whatever the will would be, whether good or bad, it would be God's and it would be okay," but that was easier said than done when I wasn't sure of the outcome and still had a glimmer of hope that I could potentially be an RA. Now that I can't, I'm discouraged. But God has surrounded me with amazing people continually lifting me up with amazing words of His and also theirs. It's only been about an hour since I found out, and since then I've had people share:

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me." - John 14:1
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart  and lean not on your own understanding." - Proverbs 3:5

"Wherever you land, it will be just where you're supposed to be. Now you are available for something better."
"Perhaps God has something He needs your full attention for next year that you can't give your full attention to the Res Life Program to be able to do your best at both."
"There's literally just something even better out there for you. God won't give you your second best."
"God can do the unimaginable. Do not doubt him." 
"Keep your head up. Christ is bigger than a Res Life position."

These words and verses in the last HOUR have meant more to me than anything else recently. I can't even express how much at peace I feel when just an hour ago, I would have rather crawled into my bed and cried for the rest of the day than lifted my head up and continued to walk justly with God.

Also, yesterday a letter was shoved under my door yesterday because we're discussing "Beauty" this week in my dorm. All it stated was this verse:
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." - Ephesians 4:29
I shook it off not really listening to what the words were saying and continued to be worried about what the verdict would be with Res Life this morning. Today, after finding out I didn't get it, I came back to my room and opened up my Bible app on my phone. Everyday it gives me a special verse dedicated to today in case I'm in a rush and just want a quick bite of His Word. Today's verse was Ephesians 4:29. I stared at it for a second remembering that I had JUST read this last night. As I looked at it, I thought about all the hateful things I was thinking and telling myself all the way back to my dorm after finding out I wouldn't be RA.

"You're not good enough."
"Your past is too messy to be a leader."
"They couldn't over look ____"
"You're a disappointment to your friends"
"Now what are you going to do for next year? You're screwed."
"She was right about you."
"You're not worth it." 

Whenever I've read this verse in the past, I always think about gossip. "unwholesome talk." But today, I think God was trying to relay this to me for myself. Don't let any unwholesome talk come out of my mouth about MYSELF either. I get it. I'm worth it. I just need to wait for His timing now.

Thanks for all your prayers, scriptures, and kind words today.

Stay beautiful <3

Chaos

This weekend was absolutely crazy for me. I went on a district all-nighter with my new youth group I've been helping out with. The district all-nighter consisted of about 10-15 different youth groups coming together in Fort Wayne, Indiana to worship God and have an absolute blast. The night started out in this huge church that looked like a mansion. We participated in some fun games and worship and then it was time for the real fun. From 12am-2am we went ice skating, followed by bowling from 2am-4am and finally laser tag from 4am-6am. By 4am I was exhausted. But it was all so much fun. The kids could definitely keep up more than I could which made me realize how old I'm getting (I'm 20...I need to get a grip) Ice skating KILLED my legs, bowling KILLED my arms, and by laser tag at 4am my whole body hurt. I felt like a 50 year old hanging around 20 year olds. It was sooo much fun though. Would I ever do it again by choice? Absolutely not. But it was great!
It truly made me realize how much older I'm getting. But I'm so ready for it...I think..

This week is about to be a chaotic mess. I work at Applebee's as a hostess yesterday and today. And today, (Tuesday) is my LAST DAY there. I'm ecstatic! Words cannot describe how ready I am to get out of the restaurant business. I've only  been stuck in it for the last 4 years...Wednesday and Thursday I work at my other job as a telecounselor and did I mention I have a full school load on top of my work load? What a delight...
Thursday, February 21 is the day I've been anticipating! I will receive a letter stating whether or not I got the job as an RA for the 2013-2014 school year. YIKES. It's all in God's hands and I have faith in His ways. Whatever the will, I know it's the right one and I know it's God's.

I'll keep you all posted. Expect a post later this week :)

Stay beautiful <3

Singleness

It's been a little over a year and a half since my last relationship. I've been on a few dates since but nothing significant. And I'll be the first to admit that for the majority of the past year and a half, I've been bitter. I've been confused and lost. My last relationship was about three years on and off. "On and off"...what a typical high school relationship.

I've learned though, that there's a reason for my season (or in my case, seasons) of singleness. I need this time for myself. And I say that with the least bit of selfishness. Do I want to be single right now? Honestly? No. Not in the slightest bit. But I'm in this rut for a reason. Perhaps it's to be more available to the opportunities that Jesus is calling me into right now. Perhaps it's because I would be unable to handle one right now during school. Perhaps it's because I'm not ready...


Woof. That hit hard. I'm not ready?! Excuse me? I feel more than ready. But I just know that Jesus is shaking his head with a smile on his face. "No you're not. Wait." There are things in my life that I need to figure out and fix. I'm not perfect; no one is. But there are things in my life that need to be fixed before I bring another person into my life. I don't want to bring someone into this mess until I get it cleaned up first. And I think that's so important in any relationship.

So right now, that's why I'm single. I. Am. Not. Ready.

But I'm so ready to dive head first into an eternal relationship with my God.


If you're wondering why you're not with someone this valentine's day, I encourage you to step back and look up. There's a reason. Think deeply and carefully about it. What are some things you need to fix in your life before you bring someone else into it? And if you honestly feel you've been doing everything right, then humble yourself. Also, remember that maybe it's not you right now that needs fixing. Maybe it's the person you're supposed to grow old with. Maybe they're going through a tough time right now and need to get their life together before you meet. Something neat to think about. God already has planned who you will grow old with. He knows how you will meet, when you will meet, and if you already have met - how you will meet again.

On that note, a few years ago I was talking to my friend and he said, "I take time each day to pray for my wife." ...He was 20 years old, and as far as I knew he wasn't married. He wasn't even in a relationship! I said to him, "Uh...what?" And he repeated himself and added, "I don't know who I will marry, but God does. And I just wanna take time each day to pray for her safety and spiritual relationship with Jesus. I just pray that she's doing well each day." <3
How amazing. How amazing that he's praying for someone he doesn't know yet, but God does and He knows exactly who he's praying for.

Absolutely crazy to think about. So remember that this Valentine's Day. There's a reason for this season...of singleness :)

<3 Stay Beautiful

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" - Isaiah 55:9