You Look Confused

Doubt has a way of sucking you in. Making you think that what you're doing isn't good enough.

That you're not talented enough.

You're not smart enough.

Strong enough.

Pretty enough.

And it's hard to see past all that doubt. But sometimes it starts to swarm your heart and take you under and you start to feel like you can't stand up against it. And then...if you're lucky, and willing, God will open up a door for you. A place for you to just completely let it all out. All your doubts and concerns even if you want to put on a tough face and show to the world that you have everything under control. He places someone in your path that wants you to prove it. Prove that you have it all under control and that you're exactly where you're supposed to be. And in that moment...you'll know.

After not getting the RA position for next school year, I was a little distraught. Instead of wallowing in self pity, I concentrated on my studies and one of my professors saw great potential in me and hired me as his Teaching/Research Assistant for one of his Psychology courses next year! I had a meeting with him last night and he asked me really tough questions. I'm usually the one asking the tough questions to my friends, so now I understand when people get squirmy and uncomfortable because so did I! It's not fun being put on the spot.

But he asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I know that I want to be a Child Life Specialist, but some events that have happened in the past few months have made me doubt myself. I don't know if I'm strong enough emotionally, to handle working with children with life-threatening diseases. And that's exactly what I told him. Normally, if I would have had this conversation with anyone else, they probably would have nodded and asked me a different question or responded with, "Yeah...that's a good point." Something small and meaningless. But this professor wanted me to go deeper. He challenged me. He then said,

"Well. Both of your parents, from what you told me, are in Sales. So what made you want to do stuff in the medical field?"

 Ugh...I have no idea. 

"Think about it," he said.

And it wasn't just a "Well give it some thought and get back to me." It was a "Think about it right now and tell me what you're thinking. I'll sit here and wait."

So I remembered volunteering at the local hospital when I was 14 years old. It was a long time ago, but I remembered that to volunteer you had to pick three floors you wanted to volunteer on. What were my three? Intensive Care Unit, Pediatrics, and Oncology Department. 

"At 14 years old? What in the world made you want to work there?"

And without hesitating, I said, "Those kids know they're sick." 

He urged me to elaborate.

So I said, "Those kids that have cancer, or are in the hospital on the pediatrics floor, or are in the ICU...they know they're sick. They don't just have a common cold or fever. They're sick and they're used to hospitals as awful as that sounds. They're used to doctors and nurses asking them how they're feeling and what they're feeling. All through high school I wanted to be a pediatrician after volunteering at the hospital. It combined everything I loved. Medicine and children. But that's not what I saw myself doing. I didn't want to ask the kid how they're feeling, or what their symptoms are. I want my time with the children to be intentional. I want to be the one sitting next to them while they're getting their chemo, asking how their day was. Asking them what's their favorite thing to do on the playground, or how the grandparents are. I want to know the child for who they are - not what their sickness is. I want to know the child on a personal level, not as patient. Because they get enough of that from the doctors, nurses, and chemo-therapists. What they really need and want during those struggles, is someone to ask them how they're doing for real...in a none medical sense. And that's what a Child Life Specialist could do for them." 

And without talking to him last night, I think I would still be doubting myself about my future career path. But after that...I feel more ready now than ever.

Stay beautiful <3

Easier Said Than Done

So in my last post, I told you guys to stay tuned because today is February 21st. The day I had been anticipating for the past month. Today was the day I would find out what the world had planned for me for next school year. Would I be accepted into the RA program? The answer is no. Unfortunately. Because that's what the world has planned for me. And God has something very different planned for next year. And I said that in the last post "I knew that whatever the will would be, whether good or bad, it would be God's and it would be okay," but that was easier said than done when I wasn't sure of the outcome and still had a glimmer of hope that I could potentially be an RA. Now that I can't, I'm discouraged. But God has surrounded me with amazing people continually lifting me up with amazing words of His and also theirs. It's only been about an hour since I found out, and since then I've had people share:

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me." - John 14:1
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart  and lean not on your own understanding." - Proverbs 3:5

"Wherever you land, it will be just where you're supposed to be. Now you are available for something better."
"Perhaps God has something He needs your full attention for next year that you can't give your full attention to the Res Life Program to be able to do your best at both."
"There's literally just something even better out there for you. God won't give you your second best."
"God can do the unimaginable. Do not doubt him." 
"Keep your head up. Christ is bigger than a Res Life position."

These words and verses in the last HOUR have meant more to me than anything else recently. I can't even express how much at peace I feel when just an hour ago, I would have rather crawled into my bed and cried for the rest of the day than lifted my head up and continued to walk justly with God.

Also, yesterday a letter was shoved under my door yesterday because we're discussing "Beauty" this week in my dorm. All it stated was this verse:
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." - Ephesians 4:29
I shook it off not really listening to what the words were saying and continued to be worried about what the verdict would be with Res Life this morning. Today, after finding out I didn't get it, I came back to my room and opened up my Bible app on my phone. Everyday it gives me a special verse dedicated to today in case I'm in a rush and just want a quick bite of His Word. Today's verse was Ephesians 4:29. I stared at it for a second remembering that I had JUST read this last night. As I looked at it, I thought about all the hateful things I was thinking and telling myself all the way back to my dorm after finding out I wouldn't be RA.

"You're not good enough."
"Your past is too messy to be a leader."
"They couldn't over look ____"
"You're a disappointment to your friends"
"Now what are you going to do for next year? You're screwed."
"She was right about you."
"You're not worth it." 

Whenever I've read this verse in the past, I always think about gossip. "unwholesome talk." But today, I think God was trying to relay this to me for myself. Don't let any unwholesome talk come out of my mouth about MYSELF either. I get it. I'm worth it. I just need to wait for His timing now.

Thanks for all your prayers, scriptures, and kind words today.

Stay beautiful <3

Chaos

This weekend was absolutely crazy for me. I went on a district all-nighter with my new youth group I've been helping out with. The district all-nighter consisted of about 10-15 different youth groups coming together in Fort Wayne, Indiana to worship God and have an absolute blast. The night started out in this huge church that looked like a mansion. We participated in some fun games and worship and then it was time for the real fun. From 12am-2am we went ice skating, followed by bowling from 2am-4am and finally laser tag from 4am-6am. By 4am I was exhausted. But it was all so much fun. The kids could definitely keep up more than I could which made me realize how old I'm getting (I'm 20...I need to get a grip) Ice skating KILLED my legs, bowling KILLED my arms, and by laser tag at 4am my whole body hurt. I felt like a 50 year old hanging around 20 year olds. It was sooo much fun though. Would I ever do it again by choice? Absolutely not. But it was great!
It truly made me realize how much older I'm getting. But I'm so ready for it...I think..

This week is about to be a chaotic mess. I work at Applebee's as a hostess yesterday and today. And today, (Tuesday) is my LAST DAY there. I'm ecstatic! Words cannot describe how ready I am to get out of the restaurant business. I've only  been stuck in it for the last 4 years...Wednesday and Thursday I work at my other job as a telecounselor and did I mention I have a full school load on top of my work load? What a delight...
Thursday, February 21 is the day I've been anticipating! I will receive a letter stating whether or not I got the job as an RA for the 2013-2014 school year. YIKES. It's all in God's hands and I have faith in His ways. Whatever the will, I know it's the right one and I know it's God's.

I'll keep you all posted. Expect a post later this week :)

Stay beautiful <3

Singleness

It's been a little over a year and a half since my last relationship. I've been on a few dates since but nothing significant. And I'll be the first to admit that for the majority of the past year and a half, I've been bitter. I've been confused and lost. My last relationship was about three years on and off. "On and off"...what a typical high school relationship.

I've learned though, that there's a reason for my season (or in my case, seasons) of singleness. I need this time for myself. And I say that with the least bit of selfishness. Do I want to be single right now? Honestly? No. Not in the slightest bit. But I'm in this rut for a reason. Perhaps it's to be more available to the opportunities that Jesus is calling me into right now. Perhaps it's because I would be unable to handle one right now during school. Perhaps it's because I'm not ready...


Woof. That hit hard. I'm not ready?! Excuse me? I feel more than ready. But I just know that Jesus is shaking his head with a smile on his face. "No you're not. Wait." There are things in my life that I need to figure out and fix. I'm not perfect; no one is. But there are things in my life that need to be fixed before I bring another person into my life. I don't want to bring someone into this mess until I get it cleaned up first. And I think that's so important in any relationship.

So right now, that's why I'm single. I. Am. Not. Ready.

But I'm so ready to dive head first into an eternal relationship with my God.


If you're wondering why you're not with someone this valentine's day, I encourage you to step back and look up. There's a reason. Think deeply and carefully about it. What are some things you need to fix in your life before you bring someone else into it? And if you honestly feel you've been doing everything right, then humble yourself. Also, remember that maybe it's not you right now that needs fixing. Maybe it's the person you're supposed to grow old with. Maybe they're going through a tough time right now and need to get their life together before you meet. Something neat to think about. God already has planned who you will grow old with. He knows how you will meet, when you will meet, and if you already have met - how you will meet again.

On that note, a few years ago I was talking to my friend and he said, "I take time each day to pray for my wife." ...He was 20 years old, and as far as I knew he wasn't married. He wasn't even in a relationship! I said to him, "Uh...what?" And he repeated himself and added, "I don't know who I will marry, but God does. And I just wanna take time each day to pray for her safety and spiritual relationship with Jesus. I just pray that she's doing well each day." <3
How amazing. How amazing that he's praying for someone he doesn't know yet, but God does and He knows exactly who he's praying for.

Absolutely crazy to think about. So remember that this Valentine's Day. There's a reason for this season...of singleness :)

<3 Stay Beautiful

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" - Isaiah 55:9

SPEAK.

"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place." 

It truly baffles me when people expect certain things from people without telling them. I'm sorry, but do you think people can read your mind? That you're so great with nonverbal communication that they should "get it" by now? Because it's completely not the case. I can't tell you how many of my friendships have gone downhill because of a lack of communication. And when trying to fix the friendship things are brought up that they had been holding onto for SO long that I had done years ago. How was I supposed to know that that statement I had made to you in the car last January has hurt you so much if you never verbalized it to me? Communication is so important in everything that we do. And it's so easy to take things the wrong way, which is why we need to constantly be talking through things.

I've never been passive with my feelings. I don't believe in that. If I need to say something, I'll say it. If someone asks me what I want for dinner, I'll shout out a few options. The answer "I don't know" irks me to no end. Especially in dating relationships. When I ask "What do you wanna do tonight?" I actually would like some feedback.
You wanna watch the football game? TELL ME.
You don't want to watch a chick flick for the 5th time this week? TELL ME.
You'd rather stay in instead of go out tonight? TELL ME.
Because it shows on your face what you really want, and it makes you look like a stronger person when you just voice your opinion. What's the worst that could come from it? Someone may disagree with you? Big whoop. Have a backbone. Hold your own. I promise you, you'll feel like a better person when you have a say in life. Don't just roll with the punches. 

Okay, I mean, sometimes it's okay to roll with the punches. Some people are just naturally more laid back. But there's an extent to that. And I think a lot of people that are "laid back" use it as their crutch in life. They say, "Oh I'm just so indecisive because I'm so laid back and carefree!" ...no...not really. You're indecisive because you struggle with being a people-pleaser. Not because you're "laid back." 

"Communication is a skill that you can learn. It's like riding a bicycle or typing. If you're willing to work at it, you can rapidly improve the quality of every part of your life."

What do you expect to get out of life if you are unable to step on a few toes? It's your life for goodness sake. If you really want to go through life walking on egg shells afraid to hurt anyone's feelings then by all means continue on the path that you're on. But if you're ready to take control of your life, then start communicating. No one can truly know YOU until you open up and start giving your opinions. Don't worry about what others will think; because the people that are supposed to be in your life will be there even if you slightly piss them off once in awhile. I promise. 

<3 Stay Beautiful 

Birthdays...Bah! Humbug!

I can be a really jealous person. Not about normal things like boys and such, but of super trivial things.
This is going to sound so stupid when I say this, but I really do think this is a big problem for me: 

Birthdays.

I'll let that soak in for you.



There are many things about others' birthdays that really make me jealous.
One, is the fact that a lot of my friends have birthdays that are conveniently during the school year. So you know what happens? Everyone makes it a huge deal because it's happening right in front of them. My birthday is in the later portion of August. You know what happens during late August? Friends are going back to school, finding last minute items to bring to school, working, and doing other things and my birthday is celebrated with a simple Facebook wall post - "Happy Birthday!" 

Trivial right? 

But, I enjoy making things a big deal. I like going above and beyond to send my best friend a present in the mail if I'm in school, or make a point to give them a present and hang out with them and have our own "celebration" even if that just means going together to get coffee and bringing a present for them to open. When I was younger, I would actually plan huge things for my friend's birthdays. Every year it seemed one of them had a surprise party or something else out of the ordinary that I would plan for them. And I'd say to myself, "I'm sure one of these times, this will happen for me." But it never really did. There was never a birthday where everyone could make it if we did something special. And this year I'll be turning 21. And birthday parties are becoming less and less. And friends are becoming more intimate and less "acquaintances" like back in the day where you could get away with inviting half of your school to someone's surprise birthday party even if they weren't super close with the birthday girl. And that's okay.

But I definitely noticed this year especially, that I have a jealous heart when it comes to birthdays. Coincidentally I'm posting this on my best friend, Amanda's birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY!) and this isn't to make anyone feel bad. It's just come to my attention that I need to stop being jealous and be more loving. And let go of any sort of nonsense that happened long long ago.

Because of all of this, I'm a giver and I actually find it more difficult and awkward to receive. But I'm okay with that. Because I'm a giver, and that's okay :) 

Stay beautiful <3 

Stillness

Saturday. Sitting in Stillness Saturday. I'm not very good with silence. I don't like awkward silences (who does though?), or silences in general. If it needs to be "silent" I prefer for there to be music in the background. My "Sitting in Stillness Saturday" is involving the new For King & Country CD "Crave." <3 Not enough words describe how beautiful this CD is. Nothing describes how beautiful it sounds while sitting in Starbucks with my biff, away from college life, and smelling the delicious aroma of freshly brewed coffee. NOTHING.

Today I am so thankful for the opportunities and people that have been placed in my life. This past week I had three different interviews for three different things happening in my life. The first one was for a job opportunity at Tele-counseling for IWU; I got the job and started my first day this past Wednesday. Let me tell you all a little something.

I HATE TALKING ON THE PHONE.
I'm the girl that if I need a haircut, or need to order a pizza I will run to my mommy like a little child and have her do it for me. She would roll her eyes and tell me how "I'm almost in college and will need to learn how to do this myself" and I constantly shrugged it off. Was I delusional or something? Of course I'd eventually have to learn how to be comfortable talking on the phone to people!
Anyway, the point of that story was that Tele-counseling is ALL phone call conversations with people you don't know giving them information about the school. To say the least, on my first day, I was terrified. Like knees shaking, pits sweating, TERRIFIED. But I think after my first day I'm starting to get the hang of things :) Phewww!

My second interview was for an RA position (which I had posted about earlier in the week). I think it went really well and since then I have been asked by two other dorms for interviews! Still, nothing will be announced until February 21st! Keep praying!

Then, my third interview, which by this point I'm so over interviews, was a psychology interview. Basically, it's a 99.9% chance that you'll get into the psychology program, but I guess it's a way for them to "finalize" your major. Anyways, the interview was yesterday. And let me just take you through my day. It was nonstop chaos from 10am-11pm. I decided that was too much for me to handle without any breaks and with not much sleep the night before. So I made the decision to skip my first class from 10-11am and get some extra sleep and then have my interview at 11:30. When I got to the psychology interview GUESS who one of the teachers was that was my interviewer? ....The teacher whose class I had just skipped. (Face palm). Whatever though. I think it went pretty well overall. 

Chaotic week and I'm very glad that it 's over. But this upcoming week is expected to be just as brutal, if not worse. Prayers are appreciated.

Stay Beautiful <3