Let Go and Let God

Michiana Christian Service Camp this year was a much different experience than any other time I had gone in the past.
This year, I was faculty. I was a camp counselor. I wasn't a camper this year, I was a leader. And it was one of the most nerve-racking experiences I've had in a while.  I was a 20 year old who looked like a 15 year old. Therefore, the campers didn't exactly respect me much the first day. Which is totally understandable. They didn't realize that I was going into my third year of college, and that if they allowed me, I could help them with a lot of stuff based on my past experiences.

The theme of the week was "Our Story" and for the first night the campers were instructed to draw on a small quilt square, things that defined them. Sports, family, friends, hobbies, etc. 

One thing that I noticed a lot of campers had drawn were broken hearts or the words "Broken" on their quilt squares. They may have only drawn 4 or 5 things on this small quilt square, but they had made sure to draw that broken heart. 

And for these kids, a break-up was what defined them. It made me remember my time in high school where I had had my heart broken and it made me think about how much I felt that that had defined who I was. A messy break-up was who you were and there was no escaping it. I had so many opportunities this week to talk with campers who were broken. And it was amazing for me to see God work in their lives this week and transform their hearts.
I can only hope they carried what they learned this week at camp back into their daily lives. 

Something that I learned this week was through a Divine Intervention. I can't imagine how my week would have gone if this hadn't occurred. I started my week on Saturday with a Faculty Training session. The campers weren't arriving until Sunday night, and on Saturday, I felt like a child. Faculty that had been doing this for years knew that I was a newbie, and wanted nothing more than to help me find my way. I was super resistant of their help all Saturday night. Someone would hug me and I would clamp up. Someone would start explaining something that "they learned their first year" and I would zone out. I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to learn things on my own without anyone's help.

After Faculty Training was over, I got in the car with one of my friends and he asked me how I was feeling so far. I knew I could be honest with him so I let him know.

I said "I feel like everyone is babying me. I feel like everyone wants to hold my hand and walk me through this, and they don't understand that I got this. I can do it by myself. I know what I'm doing. I can..." 

And before I could finish, he interrupted me and said,

"You are WAY too independent." 

I stared at him in disbelief, because I thought I could be vulnerable around him and tell him how I was really feeling. He repeated himself after I didn't say anything and just stared.

"You are way too independent. Don't you realize that this is your FIRST WEEK as faculty, and people are trying to help you find your way. You don't know everything. And you can't be independent on a faculty team. We're a team." 

I was sooo mad at him for saying that. But later throughout the week, I started seeking faculty members who knew what they were doing and asking them for help and guidance. If my friend hadn't said that to me, I honestly don't think that I would have had a very good experience at camp. 

And to end on a good note, one of my favorite things about camp was waking up and spending my coffee time with Jesus 

(And Lord knows I needed that coffee time everyday; I was absolutely exhausted).

Worshiping, reading the Bible, or even just talking with friends. I had one of the best weeks I've had in a while, and it was all because He was at the center of it.

I can't wait to do it all over again in 2 weeks! 

Stay Beautiful! <3 

Face-To-Facebook

Okay. We've all been there.

Wake up. Scroll through Facebook. Find absurd thing that So-and-so posted. Screenshot. Send via text to friend with the caption "I'm sorry...WTF?" 

Today was graduation for my little sister. One thing that I noticed while I was there was that I "knew" a lot of the people graduating. No, not personally have I ever had a face to face conversation with them, but perhaps they saw me in a Musical when I was in High School or just knew of me because of my sister. Either way, these people added me on Facebook and now I know a lot about them just by scrolling through my newsfeed everyday. Which is weird.

Do you remember when we were little and the Internet was yet to be a thing? If you wanted to get to know me, you had to talk to me. You had to physically make your way up to me and say "Hey, I'm friends with your sister, my name is Sarah." Or if you found me attractive, instead of just "liking" all of my pictures without ever having a single conversation with me, you'd have to build up the courage to walk up to me and say "Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I think you're really pretty." 

OH, HOW I WISH THAT WAS STILL A THING. I wish boys had to come up and talk to me rather than stalk my Facebook to figure out who I am. Facebook doesn't do me justice. I'm a lot more than a person who has witty statuses now and then.

Another thing with Facebook is that I know every relationship you've been in. Ever. Even that one week relationship you thought was going to last but didn't. I know about it because it showed up on my newsfeed. Facebook is supposed to make us "more connected" with others from our past and present. But you know what it does?

It does succeed at making me "more connected" in the sense that I do know every little thing about you from what you wore yesterday based off your picture, to what you had for breakfast this morning based off your most recent status OOGLING over how good your pancakes were.

But what it doesn't do, is make me want to talk to you in public. Today at graduation, I passed a lot of past classmates. And I had zero desire to go and speak with them. Not because I didn't care, but because my conversations would almost be creepy because I'd constantly already know all of the answers to my questions.

"How is your summer?" 
(ahh shoot, just kidding, I read last week that you got a summer internship so you'll be heading up to Michigan this coming Tuesday)
"How's the family?" 
(just kidding, I know that your grandma had surgery last week and that your dad lost his job) 
"How's school?" 
(Yeaaaah, I know you got a 3.5 GPA this past semester and you're really looking forward to next year) 

I love Facebook because it does keep me connected and up-to-date on what people are doing. In person though, we almost seem disconnected and out of touch with reality. How do we fix this?

Something to think about I guess.

Stay Beautiful <3

There's No Formula

I'm extra organized and routine-oriented.

I'm a feeler, and when I feel that I need to say or do something it comes from the way I feel, not logic.

I'm controlling of situations. 

All of these qualities are my strengths and my weaknesses. I'm starting to realize that these are big reasons why I've yet to be in a relationship since 2011.

Being extra organized and routine-oriented, makes me independent. I don't like the idea of having someone do something nice for me. Because that means that I need them. But I remember several years ago when I was in a relationship, and I really did like the nice things that my significant other would do for me. It showed that he cared.


Being a feeler is also a weakness for putting myself into a relationship because I go strictly on gut-instincts. If I don't "feel" like I should date you, I won't. And since I'm so focused on being independent, I won't date you.

My controlling personality follows closely behind those with always feeling that 
whatever the guy is trying to say, do, convey - I could do it better.

I know I'm not the only one facing these struggles. You may not have all three of these weaknesses hindering your dating life, but you may have one and a few of your own. It helps to talk it out and then breathe and relax. And then realize....

You know when people fall in love (based on what I've seen in movies and whatnot of course)? When you start doing something you love and stop worrying about if someone's watching as you walk.
Or if they notice that you have a pimple directly under your nose.
Or if they can tell you woke up late and had to rush out of the house without putting on chapstick so now your lips definitely look outrageous.

They fall in love once they let everything go. So as you're running out of your house with the same shirt you fell asleep in, know that if you're supposed to meet Mr. or Mrs. Right that day...it's gonna work out regardless. So Breathe. Relax. And Realize.

Stay Beautiful <3

Man In the Mirror

Early this morning, a tragedy struck Marion, Indiana. A 14 year-old girl committed suicide at her middle school during a break from ISTEP testing. If I were to look into any other career besides Child Life, it would be Grief Counseling. Naturally, not knowing much about it - I surfed the internet frantically looking for more information about this poor, beautiful girl. I couldn't find much, except for some threads of parents bashing the school administration for not having a handle on the school's bullying policy.

I think that the teachers do play a part in helping to stop bullying among children but I truly feel that it is more the responsibility of the parents above anyone else. Parents should be talking to their kids about bullying and the effects that can come from it. The popular nursery rhyme that all of us have heard growing up 

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," 

tells children that physical violence hurts others but words have no effect. I don't know what genius came up with this rhyme, but they were wrong. Words can destroy my self-esteem and self-worth more than anything. You can blame that on the fact that I'm a girl and girls can be extra sensitive to "mere name-calling," but I guarantee that there are plenty of boys too that are deeply burdened by hurtful words.

The things you say make a lasting impression on others. Be careful what you say, because something that you may not have thought was significant, could destroy someone mentally. And before you know it, that person could be gone. Maybe not by suicide, but some other form of tragedy.

And regardless if that tragedy happens to be suicide or not, you're going to think about how you made an impact on that person's life. You're going to think about the last thing you said to that person. Was it kind, thoughtful words? Or did you unintentionally cause them pain? The stop to bullying begins with you. As Michael Jackson says, 

"I'm starting with the man in the mirror. I'm asking him to change his ways. And no message could have been any clearer, because if you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and then make a change." 

Taking the extra time to tell someone they look pretty, that their artwork you've seen them doodling in the margins of their class notes are really excellent, that their strength is inspiring, that they're loved... could save a life. 

It starts with you.

I also highly recommend you to watch this video. Yes, it's a little long but it made a lasting impression on me to the point where I've had this bookmarked on my computer for the past 5 months. I've only ever bookmarked 4 other websites. So you know it's worth the watch!

Click Here for the video!

Stay Beautiful <3 

You Look Confused

Doubt has a way of sucking you in. Making you think that what you're doing isn't good enough.

That you're not talented enough.

You're not smart enough.

Strong enough.

Pretty enough.

And it's hard to see past all that doubt. But sometimes it starts to swarm your heart and take you under and you start to feel like you can't stand up against it. And then...if you're lucky, and willing, God will open up a door for you. A place for you to just completely let it all out. All your doubts and concerns even if you want to put on a tough face and show to the world that you have everything under control. He places someone in your path that wants you to prove it. Prove that you have it all under control and that you're exactly where you're supposed to be. And in that moment...you'll know.

After not getting the RA position for next school year, I was a little distraught. Instead of wallowing in self pity, I concentrated on my studies and one of my professors saw great potential in me and hired me as his Teaching/Research Assistant for one of his Psychology courses next year! I had a meeting with him last night and he asked me really tough questions. I'm usually the one asking the tough questions to my friends, so now I understand when people get squirmy and uncomfortable because so did I! It's not fun being put on the spot.

But he asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I know that I want to be a Child Life Specialist, but some events that have happened in the past few months have made me doubt myself. I don't know if I'm strong enough emotionally, to handle working with children with life-threatening diseases. And that's exactly what I told him. Normally, if I would have had this conversation with anyone else, they probably would have nodded and asked me a different question or responded with, "Yeah...that's a good point." Something small and meaningless. But this professor wanted me to go deeper. He challenged me. He then said,

"Well. Both of your parents, from what you told me, are in Sales. So what made you want to do stuff in the medical field?"

 Ugh...I have no idea. 

"Think about it," he said.

And it wasn't just a "Well give it some thought and get back to me." It was a "Think about it right now and tell me what you're thinking. I'll sit here and wait."

So I remembered volunteering at the local hospital when I was 14 years old. It was a long time ago, but I remembered that to volunteer you had to pick three floors you wanted to volunteer on. What were my three? Intensive Care Unit, Pediatrics, and Oncology Department. 

"At 14 years old? What in the world made you want to work there?"

And without hesitating, I said, "Those kids know they're sick." 

He urged me to elaborate.

So I said, "Those kids that have cancer, or are in the hospital on the pediatrics floor, or are in the ICU...they know they're sick. They don't just have a common cold or fever. They're sick and they're used to hospitals as awful as that sounds. They're used to doctors and nurses asking them how they're feeling and what they're feeling. All through high school I wanted to be a pediatrician after volunteering at the hospital. It combined everything I loved. Medicine and children. But that's not what I saw myself doing. I didn't want to ask the kid how they're feeling, or what their symptoms are. I want my time with the children to be intentional. I want to be the one sitting next to them while they're getting their chemo, asking how their day was. Asking them what's their favorite thing to do on the playground, or how the grandparents are. I want to know the child for who they are - not what their sickness is. I want to know the child on a personal level, not as patient. Because they get enough of that from the doctors, nurses, and chemo-therapists. What they really need and want during those struggles, is someone to ask them how they're doing for real...in a none medical sense. And that's what a Child Life Specialist could do for them." 

And without talking to him last night, I think I would still be doubting myself about my future career path. But after that...I feel more ready now than ever.

Stay beautiful <3

Easier Said Than Done

So in my last post, I told you guys to stay tuned because today is February 21st. The day I had been anticipating for the past month. Today was the day I would find out what the world had planned for me for next school year. Would I be accepted into the RA program? The answer is no. Unfortunately. Because that's what the world has planned for me. And God has something very different planned for next year. And I said that in the last post "I knew that whatever the will would be, whether good or bad, it would be God's and it would be okay," but that was easier said than done when I wasn't sure of the outcome and still had a glimmer of hope that I could potentially be an RA. Now that I can't, I'm discouraged. But God has surrounded me with amazing people continually lifting me up with amazing words of His and also theirs. It's only been about an hour since I found out, and since then I've had people share:

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me." - John 14:1
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart  and lean not on your own understanding." - Proverbs 3:5

"Wherever you land, it will be just where you're supposed to be. Now you are available for something better."
"Perhaps God has something He needs your full attention for next year that you can't give your full attention to the Res Life Program to be able to do your best at both."
"There's literally just something even better out there for you. God won't give you your second best."
"God can do the unimaginable. Do not doubt him." 
"Keep your head up. Christ is bigger than a Res Life position."

These words and verses in the last HOUR have meant more to me than anything else recently. I can't even express how much at peace I feel when just an hour ago, I would have rather crawled into my bed and cried for the rest of the day than lifted my head up and continued to walk justly with God.

Also, yesterday a letter was shoved under my door yesterday because we're discussing "Beauty" this week in my dorm. All it stated was this verse:
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." - Ephesians 4:29
I shook it off not really listening to what the words were saying and continued to be worried about what the verdict would be with Res Life this morning. Today, after finding out I didn't get it, I came back to my room and opened up my Bible app on my phone. Everyday it gives me a special verse dedicated to today in case I'm in a rush and just want a quick bite of His Word. Today's verse was Ephesians 4:29. I stared at it for a second remembering that I had JUST read this last night. As I looked at it, I thought about all the hateful things I was thinking and telling myself all the way back to my dorm after finding out I wouldn't be RA.

"You're not good enough."
"Your past is too messy to be a leader."
"They couldn't over look ____"
"You're a disappointment to your friends"
"Now what are you going to do for next year? You're screwed."
"She was right about you."
"You're not worth it." 

Whenever I've read this verse in the past, I always think about gossip. "unwholesome talk." But today, I think God was trying to relay this to me for myself. Don't let any unwholesome talk come out of my mouth about MYSELF either. I get it. I'm worth it. I just need to wait for His timing now.

Thanks for all your prayers, scriptures, and kind words today.

Stay beautiful <3

Chaos

This weekend was absolutely crazy for me. I went on a district all-nighter with my new youth group I've been helping out with. The district all-nighter consisted of about 10-15 different youth groups coming together in Fort Wayne, Indiana to worship God and have an absolute blast. The night started out in this huge church that looked like a mansion. We participated in some fun games and worship and then it was time for the real fun. From 12am-2am we went ice skating, followed by bowling from 2am-4am and finally laser tag from 4am-6am. By 4am I was exhausted. But it was all so much fun. The kids could definitely keep up more than I could which made me realize how old I'm getting (I'm 20...I need to get a grip) Ice skating KILLED my legs, bowling KILLED my arms, and by laser tag at 4am my whole body hurt. I felt like a 50 year old hanging around 20 year olds. It was sooo much fun though. Would I ever do it again by choice? Absolutely not. But it was great!
It truly made me realize how much older I'm getting. But I'm so ready for it...I think..

This week is about to be a chaotic mess. I work at Applebee's as a hostess yesterday and today. And today, (Tuesday) is my LAST DAY there. I'm ecstatic! Words cannot describe how ready I am to get out of the restaurant business. I've only  been stuck in it for the last 4 years...Wednesday and Thursday I work at my other job as a telecounselor and did I mention I have a full school load on top of my work load? What a delight...
Thursday, February 21 is the day I've been anticipating! I will receive a letter stating whether or not I got the job as an RA for the 2013-2014 school year. YIKES. It's all in God's hands and I have faith in His ways. Whatever the will, I know it's the right one and I know it's God's.

I'll keep you all posted. Expect a post later this week :)

Stay beautiful <3