MUST BE THIS TALL TO RIDE

You're at an amusement park and you're so freaking excited that you finally get to ride the roller coaster all of your friends have been raving about. You're in line. The anticipation is absolutely killing you! 

You wait and you wait, hours and hours pass, but adrenaline is pumping through you so fast you don't even notice. When you get to the front of the line after much time and patience, you notice a sign that you hadn't seen all the way in the back of the line. 

MUST BE THIS TALL TO RIDE ROLLER COASTER

NO!!!!!!!! You're exactly one inch too short! There's physically nothing you can do. You can't magically grow an inch in a second. You're distraught. You're angry. You feel like you just wasted your time and you're so sad that you don't know which way to turn except back to where you came from. Home. 

This has been my past three months. I decided to get ahead of the game and I began searching for internships in January. I finally found one in West Palm Beach, Florida. FLORIDA. The sunshine state (just really felt I needed to reiterate that I would be LEAVING Indiana and going to some place warmer). There were several bumps in the road throughout the journey of acquiring this internship and I noticed several moments of miscommunication between me and the organization. The major miscommunication happened exactly 25 hours after I had purchased my plane ticket to fly down over my Spring Break in March and go through drug screens, urine analysis, and fingerprinting before finally being interviewed (which was supposed to be just a formality). I knew that God had a plan and that if I wasn't supposed to go down to Florida, all of this miscommunication would have occurred less than 24 hours before I purchased the ticket; I absolutely would have cancelled my flight otherwise. 

So I ventured down last week to get everything sorted out. I think the worst part about being in Florida for a job interview was that I didn't have a car. Getting from place to place was not fun, walking the Bypass dressed up in a skirt during the heat of the day. The miscommunications continued while in Florida, and I shrugged them off like it wasn't a big deal. I truly felt like I was being called to Florida for the summer and I was going to make this work. And that's when God finally put his hand down on the table and said "Game Over Jess." My interview was cancelled due to an emergency at the organization, and with poor communication, I have yet to be contacted by them again. And I'm not going to chase them. For an unpaid internship that I was making myself available to them for? That I paid $300 in airfare to fly down specifically for them? Yeah. Absolutely not. I believe that was God's way of finally closing the door. And you know what it felt like? Not being tall enough to ride the roller coaster you'd been waiting for hours to ride. 

Am I bitter about the situation? Of course. I think that's acceptable at this point. It's only been a week since it all happened. The one thing that has been hardest for me to shake is the feeling that my thorough planning well in advance (January) has been for nothing. Those three months were absolutely wasted. I was trying to avoid scrambling at the end of the semester to find an internship or job, and here I am in March, with six weeks left of school. I'm almost out of time and I'm back at square one against my will.
So where am I headed to now you ask? Well. Like I said earlier in my analogy, when you've wasted all your time and you're so sad that you don't know which way to turn except back to where you came from. So I'm headed back home. And maybe that's okay. Maybe that's where I need to be this summer. 

God's a mysterious guy. He's got so much up His sleeve. I just wish He'd show me a glimpse of what He's got in store for me once in a while. But what fun would that be? I'm trying to remember to be thankful for the things He has shown me already. Yesterday, one of my professors was walking out of his office with his family. His little eight month old daughter I know from the nursery on Sundays. I was so excited to see her! She smiled at me and blew me a kiss and my professor goes, "Jeez Jess, I think she remembers you." And as they walked away, I couldn't stop smiling. And then I realized - that's why I'm doing this. One thing that God has shown me is my undeniable passion for children. Right now, I just have to keep remembering that and trusting in His timing. 

Stay Beautiful <3 

An Even Better Plan

Valentine's Day. I barely noticed the holiday this year. Not because I'm one of those people who passionately hates the holiday and would rather watch the world burn than celebrate it alone; but because I was genuinely happy with my life and didn't feel as if I needed a significant other to make that day worth it. Valentine's Day landed on a Friday this year, so I went out for ice cream with my friends and it was great! No wallowing in self-pity and wanting, waiting, and wishing. I had a great night full of laughter and friendship.

I remembered today that I had wrote a blog on Valentine's Day last year and I felt it necessary to go back and give it another read (click here if you haven't read before). As I was reading it I was thoroughly impressed with how far I've come. I was dealing with a lot of issues last year and things that I needed to get under control before I let someone else into my life. This year, I still struggle, but not nearly as much as I did before and I can only thank God for that. 

Last year, I was also struggling with not being ready; perhaps because I needed to be alone in order to tackle the opportunities God was calling me to. And I believe, after looking back, that that was a big reason for my seasons of singleness this past year. There is no way that I could have handled having a boyfriend last semester; with volunteering twice a week at Lutheran Children's Hospital in Fort Wayne for four hours every Monday and Wednesday with an hour drive there and back, on top of a 10 hour a week job, and a full class load... I barely made it out of last semester alive! This semester, there's still so much I'm doing. I volunteer every Wednesday night and Sunday morning in the nursery at my church. Which is exactly where I need to be twice a week in order to stay sane; loving on the babies, teaching them how to crawl and walk is something I could do everyday for free and be completely happy. I think that's how God establishes our passions. If it's something you could be 100% happy doing for FREE, you know you're in the right field. I don't need anything in return when I'm with children and babies. 

It also dawned on me today that I will be graduating college in ten months. Ten very short, fast months if it continues at the pace it's been going. In these three years at college, I haven't had a single serious relationship. I've "dated" once or twice but nothing significant. When I pictured what my college years would look like when I was in high school this is not how I saw it. I had a plan (let's laugh about that together). I also had this idea in my head that I would be married by 22. That's in 7 months...so unless someone super extraordinary sweeps me off my feet, I gotta let that dream go, unfortunately. 

If there's anything I've learned while being away from home, in college, and while building a deeper relationship with Christ, it's that life never goes the way you expected it to. But the crazy thing is, that the way you expected and wished for - isn't your best. Isn't that crazy?

What I believed to be ideal for me -- dating someone all through college, getting married my last semester, having babies and living happily ever after -- that's not my best. And that's definitely been a struggle for me to accept. The fact that there's an even better plan that I may not even be aware of yet, has me in complete awe of God's blueprint for my life. 

He is faithful. And my verse that I've been holding onto this past week has been: 

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." - Exodus 14:14

I also discovered this song this week, and highly recommend it. Pieces - Meredith Andrews
"Rest in who He is. He knows how to make your pieces fit." 

Stay beautiful.
Because God has an amazing plan for your life, if you let Him take the lead. 

Dear Mom

Tonight,  I had a super humbling experience.

In my town, school, life - I'm known as the baby whisperer. Any baby, anywhere, anytime, I can calm down. with EASE.

Most days, I take this little gift for granted. When I see a baby crying, I almost take it as a competition for myself to see how quickly I can calm him/her down. But today...today, there was absolutely nothing I could do.

It was a regular night at the nursery. Me and the baby were having a fabulous time playing with blocks, laughing and smiling and learning how to walk. Then, all of a sudden, she started wailing. Screaming at the top of her lungs and just bawling her eyes out. So I picked her up and started to hop her up and down as I walked because this is usually a method that works pretty well. Nothing. So I grabbed her pacifier. Nothing. She was screaming so loudly that it was hurting my ears. I was feeling defeated. We texted her mom and her mom came in and as I handed the squealing baby over, she immediately rested her head on her mom's shoulder and started quieting down. 

And it dawned on me. 

Sometimes you just need your momma.

I may be a baby whisperer and have a huge passion for children, but there's some things that only your momma can help with.

I've found myself in these positions lately even as a 21 year old. So many times this semester already, have I had to call my mom and she's said just the right things that no one else could have said. Or if they did, they wouldn't have meant as much. Her love, guidance, support, and encouragement for me is constant. She is my constant and my best friend and I'm so glad that God blessed me with her to be my mom. 

"She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of the household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."" - Proverbs 31:26-29

Love you mom! 

Simplify

I have a lot of stuff.

My closet is so big that at home I have to take up an entire closet in the office to fit all of my extra clothes. I have a "winter" and a "summer" wardrobe which takes up my entire closet each season.
I have 20 scarves, numerous amounts of shoes and jeans, and too many t-shirts to count.

I have a lot of stuff.

When I'm happy and am headed out for a fun date, what do I want to do before? I want to go buy a new outfit.

I have a lot of stuff.

When I lose a few pounds, what do I want to do to celebrate? I want to go buy a new outfit.

I have a lot of stuff.

Why though? Why all of this stuff? What is this going to do for me when my life ends? If I were to die tomorrow what would people say about me? "She sure left behind a lot of STUFF." That's what they'd say.

It's been said to me before that girls dress for girls. And this could NOT be more true! I can wrestle myself to death with what I'm going to wear out to a date, and in the end...if he's a gentleman and a really good guy, the guy I should be looking for to marry, he's going to like ME.

He's not going to care about the tight strapless bra I'm wearing to hide underneath my tank top that shows underneath my cardigan. He's not going to care about my uncomfortable shoes I'm wearing because it was the only thing that matched the stripes in my sweater. He's not going to care about the fact that I had to change out of my comfy jeans because they had a tiny rip at the bottom and put on my skin-tight, super uncomfortable jeans. He's not going to care, and neither should you.

I think everyone gets so focused with what people will think about them if they wear this or that, and honestly, people see you and then forget about you once you walk away. I can't tell you what half the people I passed today were wearing. But probably 75% of them REALLY stressed out this morning trying to figure out what to wear for church.

Dress for YOU. Instead of worrying about your outward appearance, we need to clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Because in the end, THESE are what matter. These are things that people remember.

Were you compassionate towards them when they needed a shoulder to cry on?
Were you kind and smiled whenever you saw them in the hall?
Were you humble?
Were you gentle with the words you chose in stressful times?
Were you patient when they needed someone to just listen?

Or were you too busy focusing on yourself? Too busy focusing on if they're noticing the rip in your belt, or the small mustard stain on your chest? I know I've  been guilty of this far too many times.

These are the things that Jesus asks of us. I read a book recently where a man talked about making lots of money and how he lived in a such a beautiful big house and one day decided that he and his wife and two kids could live comfortably in a smaller house.  They could then use the extra money they made to donate to those who couldn't afford such an easy lifestyle. And I thought to myself, if God ever called me to give up the things of this earth and follow him...would I be able to do that?

So I've started to make a change. I do like my stuff, but I want to be clothed with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience instead. So I gave away half of my scarves. I threw away the clothes I didn't need. I tossed the t-shirts that weren't necessary. And I've officially been on a shopping fast for the last month.

I don't NEED new clothes.
I WANT new clothes.
But I WANT Jesus more.

Stay beautiful <3

"Jesus answered, "if you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in Heaven. Then come, follow me." - Matthew 19:21

Yours Ways Are Greater, God.

This weekend, my family will officially be moving into our new home. It's overwhelming, honestly. I've called this home my "home" since I was 3 years old. Forever, basically. It's bittersweet because I know this is what is best for us.
After a lot of prayer and guidance, everything- from selling our house, to buying our new house just fell into place really smoothly.
Am I sad? A little bit. I definitely cried when I left home to come to college this year because I knew it was the last time I'd be leaving "home." It'll definitely be weird to come home during breaks to a place that isn't technically my "home." But I know, after some time, it'll feel normal again. And I'm 21 years old...Hopefully in the next 5 years I'll have my own home.

One thing that I think I'm coming to terms with is the fact that I don't control my life. God does. And that, if you know me, has taken A LOT for me to be able to do. To sit back when things don't exactly go my way, and say "Not my ways, but Yours." It's really been difficult, but in that I have been able to find peace.
Just the THOUGHT of giving my life over to God completely made me extremely anxious. Even sometimes nauseous. I would give Him a little piece of my life as if He was a baby that I was trying to feed grown-up food to and saying "Here, chew on this for a little bit and then you can have more when I say so." 
When I was only giving him little parts of myself, it was hurting Him and I both. He wanted ALL of me, and I was uncomfortable only giving him little pieces. The peace that I get now when I realize that He is in control is indescribable. There's an overwhelming sense of hope that I get when things don't go as I had originally planned. Because the first thing I think of is, "If THIS wasn't what He wanted...I can't even fathom what He's going to give me instead because I KNOW and I TRUST that it's going to be better than what I had wanted at that particular moment."

Something I know a lot of high school and college students struggle with is giving God control over their relationships. I have struggled with that too (and sometimes still do). For the longest time, I was dating a guy who wasn't right for me in any way, shape, or form. But I wanted him SO bad. I wanted us to work. And the kind of emotional attachment I had with him was something I thought no one could live up to. And it's taken me some time, but I'm now seeing that even when you think you have it all figured out and it doesn't work in your favor, God's going to trump whatever you thought was perfect and give you something even better.
So basically, I think my overall goal of this post was to encourage you. If things aren't going your way, or if you're feeling overwhelmed by school, work, or relationships. Be content. Because God's plan for your life is amazing. And if you're completely happy with your life right now. Revel in that. But remember that if things turn south soon...it's only going to become BETTER than what your originally had. I've quoted this verse in another blog post before, but it still reigns true in this instance as well.

""For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. "As the Heavens are higher than the Earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts."" - Isaiah 55:8

http://youtu.be/TAPpunj-dMM
Be Still - Bethel Music

"Stop thinking so much
and just let go

Be still my soul and rest
Humbly I confess,
in my weakness your strength is perfect

For You alone are God, there will be no other
And You have won my heart more than any other
So I will give it all 'cause you gave it all for me"

No Need To Fix What God Has Already Put His Paintbrush On

Self-esteem is something that is really focused on in psychology. Self-esteem is the overall emotion that one feels about one's self-worth. Most people when talking about self-esteem usually connect the words "high self-esteem" for people who are really confident, and "low self-esteem" for people who don't value their self-worth. But I think there's more to the eye than just high and low self-esteem.

For teenage girls, self-esteem can be a daily, or even hourly, struggle. One day you could walk out the door with your hair looking fly, your underroos matching, and your favorite pair of shorts on to make you feel extra fresh. And then you walk into the school, or mall, or restaurant and your self-esteem either increases or decreases depending on the others around you. No one even has to say anything to you.
But if everyone else is looking extra cute around you and you feel like you just rolled out of bed, self-esteem DOWN. 
If you walk into Walmart at half past 1 AM, self-esteem UP. 

And don't even get me started if people make a comment to you.
"What time did you get up today?"
(Oh my gosh, why are they asking that? Is it because I didn't put eyeliner on? Did I forget to brush my hair? Why do they think I just rolled out of bed? I actually spent an hour getting ready this morning.) 
It could be for no reason at all. They're just making conversation. But we immediately think it has to do with our appearance or that they're judging us on some level.

One thing that I've noticed about our generation is that it's so easy to complain about our life or how things aren't going the way we planned, over Facebook or Twitter. Posting pictures of ourselves saying "I look so ugly today" or tweets that say "I might as well give up because I seriously can't find a boyfriend" 

These are not positive messages. These are not going to help you find someone. Until you find self-worth in yourself, no one else is going to either. They need to see YOU loving YOU before they decide they want to as well.

Have you ever met someone that is ridiculously confident (but in a non-cocky way) and you think to yourself, "Wow, she is just glowing with confidence. She knows what she wants and she goes for it." That's the kind of person we should strive for. Confidence is radiant. It literally sets you apart from others. It puts a smile on others faces when they see a confident person doing what she wants and loving life.
Now how about when you see the girl that constantly puts herself out on Twitter as the girl who can't eat anything because she's obviously "too fat" or always talks about how she wishes the boys would notice her.
What comes to mind when you see those posts? "Aw." 
"Aw." in a really sad puppy kind of "aw." It's sad. Until we start to value who WE are, no one else will.

It's okay to have a day where you're just not feeling life. To just sit in your jammies all day and eat ice cream straight out of the carton. It's okay to just sprawl out on the couch and watch as many episodes of Jersey Shore as humanly possible because it makes you feel better about your life. THAT'S OKAY. Just don't constantly put it on social media about how bad your life is. People follow you on Twitter or Facebook because they appreciate you. They like you. They value your life enough to want to hear about it on a daily basis in 140 characters on Twitter. So make it worth their while.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." - Psalm 139:14

STAY Beautiful <3

iLove. iPray. iServe.

Back from week two at Michiana Christian Service Camp. This past week was a much different experience than what week one was like for me. I was confident. I knew that I could lead these kids, God willing. I was excited for what God was going to let me teach these kids!

Little did I know...that He would be teaching me more than I was teaching them.

This summer, almost all of my friends are either out of town living life, or are too busy. Which is perfectly fine, and totally normal for college kids. But most of my summer is being spent at home. Besides the two weeks I got to spend at Michiana.

So God has constantly been teaching me that I can do my life by myself. I can go to Walmart by myself, and nobody is going to be judging me that I'm alone. You know why? Because everyone at Walmart is not worried about everyone else. They're worried about where they can find the hair brush they bought two years ago and are wondering if it's still there.

On a different but completely related note, I truly think that before you can find a significant other, you need to be able to hold your own, being single, for quite some time. Because until you're comfortable being alone with yourself, you're never going to be able to be comfortable with yourself with someone else. That just takes it to a whole new level.

So this summer, I've been alone at home. Working, which I am now realizing that if I had all of my friends home like I have in the past, I wouldn't be working as much as I am. I wouldn't be willing to pick up people's shifts. Which is awesome that this is all happening like this because I really need money this summer to save up for the following school year.

God is SO good. 

So I realized all of this at camp this past week. Awesome. 

I also realized that my lack of physical touch towards people is extreme.
I'm not a very open person. I've crossed my arms ever since I can remember. And my family has tried to break me of this. But I don't cross my arms because I'm upset or being rude. I cross them because I'm comfortable.
And because it's a way for me to be closed off, and that,
hopefully, if I'm lucky, no one will approach me for a hug.

I was made fun of so much by my fellow faculty members because I cannot stand being hugged.
And at first, I was really upset that they were all going out of their way to hug me. Because I felt like since I told them, then they would stop. But they took it as an opportunity. An opportunity to help me see that nothing is wrong with hugs. And that sometimes, we need it. 


So I was discussing all of this with my dad yesterday morning. And he came up with a brilliant idea.
He told me,

"Jessica. Why don't you just imagine everyone as babies? When you hold a baby, you become a new person. Your face lights up, and there's nothing in this world that could tear you away from that baby. If the baby spits up on you, you're still smiling because you know that that baby can't help it. If the baby smiles, you smile even bigger. If the baby laughs, you laugh. There's something about a baby's innocence, that if you could just see that in other people, it would help you to relax, and be a more open and accepting individual."



Uh hello...Jesus. This is totally and completely what I needed to hear after coming back from camp. Because my dad is so right. I will go to the ends of the Earth to hold a child if that's what it takes. At camp, there was a baby that did not like to be held by anyone other than mom or dad, but you betcha I took every opportunity I could to try and bond with that baby even if he was kicking in screaming.
Why can't I show that kind of love to teenagers and adults? 



I also drove 45 minutes yesterday after coming home from camp to go see a newborn baby, 5 pounds of pure adorableness, and I've never been more awake and excited as I was then. I was so happy to be holding that baby and could have probably sat there with her for hours. Why can't I sit down with teens or adults and have that same kind of love, compassion, and alertness with them? 






I have never had such a powerful week, of seeing and hearing God consistently throughout my life. He is opening up doors for me that I never thought would open, and is constantly showing me his grace and mercy.

Stay Beautiful <3